


Slumber Party

by SilverMidnight



Series: Deeks/Callen [7]
Category: NCIS: Los Angeles
Genre: Family, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-02-09 02:12:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 34,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12877992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverMidnight/pseuds/SilverMidnight
Summary: Deeks begins his trek to reenter the world of law. Direct sequel to Used to Be.





	1. Job

**Author's Note:**

> I was asked for a sequel to 'Used To Be' where Deeks starts his trek to becoming a lawyer once more. I hope you guys like the new story!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Shaking his head in amusement Callen let his eyes roll over the living room once more. He could feel all the frustration and sadness from work roll off him at the sight. No matter how bad a day he had as soon as he saw his family he felt like it didn't matter.

It was something that he had heard Sam say a lot over the years. Before having kids though he hadn't understood it. He didn't think that there was anyone on the planet that would make him feel better after some of the days he had.

Then he got home and he heard his children call out Papa and it was as if everything was washed away. It still didn't make sense to him how he could love two people as much as he loved Isabelle and Wesley.

Honestly, he had quit trying to look for an answer a long time ago. Even if there was an answer he didn't want to know what it was. Some mysteries in life were better off unsolved. Love was one of them.

Taking out his phone he doubled checked that it was Friday. Between Kensi and Nell saying they were going out dancing and the impromptu movie marathon he should have been sure, but he messed up days of the week more often than he liked to think.

He wasn't surprised that it was. Well, it was Saturday, but two a.m. on Saturday. Did it really count as Saturday if it was two a.m.? Wow, he really needed sleep if he was arguing whether two a.m. was Friday or Saturday.

Shaking his head he looked back at his family taking everything in. Based off of Scooby-Doo playing on the tv it looked like Deeks and the kids had fallen asleep halfway through a movie marathon.

A part of Callen was sad that he had missed out on it, but as the menu music started to play again he felt himself shake his head. He had thought Scooby-Doo was amusing as a kid, but his kids obsession had pushed him over the edge of never wanting to see the Great Dane again.

Still, it wasn't often that he was able to walk in on such a scene. He usually came home when it was dinner time or the household was fast asleep in their own beds. Deeks was rather strict when he came to bedtimes.

Isabelle went with those rules perfectly fine for most part. She tried to get out of them every once in awhile, but she liked sleep. She was usually getting ready to go to bed before either of them even told her to.

It was Wesley that liked to push at the rule. Not in a 'this rule is stupid it so shove it' type of way. More that he was so busy doing what he was doing and he just wanted to finish it before the day came to an end.

Callen hadn't actually realized what was going on when he had first come across it. Wesley had just wanted to finish the chapter he was reading. Most kids didn't read that much so the agent had said it was fine.

Staying up to read a book was a good reason to him. It was something even he did sometimes. Anyway, it was only one chapter. He'd be in bed sleeping without ten minutes and everything would be fine. No big deal.

It wasn't until an hour later when Deeks came walking into their room holding the book that he realized that something had happened. As it turned out Wesley hadn't just finished the chapter he had been reading. Nope, he had finished the next one and was well into a third.

The agent never thought that reading would be a problem. It was just reading. As long as the book was there then they had all the time in the world to go over it. They had even made the deal that if the kids got the book from the library on three separate occasions they'd buy the book for them.

Wesley liked to throw what they knew about children out the window though. If you thought that you needed to go right than there was a good chance that you probably have to go straight up instead. At least that's what Eric said. He wasn't wrong.

It hadn't taken long for him to realize that Wesley was a lot like Deeks. Which was a little odd considering they weren't related by blood. Not that that mattered to any of them. They were a family of choice not of blood.

In truth, he loved the fact that his husband and his son were alike. All intelligence and smiles and sunshine coming out of every single pore on their body. They were both absolutely perfect in his eyes.

Isabelle, on the other hand, was like him. At least according to Deeks she was. As well as Hetty and Michelle and everyone else on the team. He didn't really see it though. Yes, she was like him a bit, but he couldn't see how they were alike.

There were some days the girl was just like him. She was quick with sarcasm and a smirk. She was much more likely to get in a fist fight defending someone she thought was being hurt. She was quiet when everyone around her was loud.

Other times though she was a stranger to him. Especially right after he came home from a case. Suddenly the independent young lady he had left a few days before was clinging to him like a touch-starved octopus.

A part of him knew that that was just because he hadn't been around. She was still the same person. She had just missed him a little. She was such a different person though that it threw him for a bit of a loop every time it happened.

By this point both of his children knew exactly what he did for a living and they both had told him countless times that they were okay with him and his job. The knowledge that they understood helped when he was gone longer than normal.

He couldn't help but chuckle at that. Callen spent more than his fair share of time beating himself down for not being in their lives as often as any of them wanted. It was usually Isabelle that told him to snap out of it when he got that way. Actually, now that he thought about it she was like him.

Shaking his head he looked at his family once more and felt the need to take a picture. That was something else he didn't get until he was a parent. Pictures had always seemed unneeded until he had someone he wanted to always see.

That and the scene was just too precious. Deeks fast asleep on the floor on a pound of spare blankets. Wesley curled up so tightly on his left side that he was practically under him. Isabelle, on the other hand, was on his right side sprawled out like a starfish. It was too good.

A soft noise left Isabelle's lips at the flash causing her to flail around on top of Deeks. The ocean blue eyes blinked open even as he reached out and placed a hand on her to keep her still. A moment later the eyes looked up and locked on Callen.

"Hey, Sunshine," the agent signed moving closer to his family, "Having a slumber party without me?"

Deeks gave a slight shrug making sure not to wake the kids. Smiling Callen bent down and picked up Isabelle. It felt so weird every time he picked her up. Like he was expecting her to be as small as she used to be.

She was always going to be his baby. Both of them were. He just couldn't believe how much they had grown. She was eleven and Wesley was six. When had they grown up? Where was he when that happened?

His attention when down to his daughter as she squirmed in his arms. He made sure to hold her close as he walked through the house. The last thing he wanted was for her to make a sudden movement and have him drop her.

Taking her upstairs he tucked her into bed before staring down at her. When he was single and alone he used to have times when he wondered why he did it. Why he risked his life day in and day out for people he didn't know.

He never questioned it anymore. He knew what he did and why he did it. He knew that there was nothing in the world that he wouldn't do to keep his family safe. To keep all the families safe from everything he could.

Leaning down he placed a kiss to her forehead before brushing her hair from her face. He stood there for a moment longer before he heard his husband walking towards Wesley's room. Brushing his hand through her hair once more he turned and left the room.

Starting towards his and Deeks room he passed D.D. and stopped to scratch her head. She laid in her normal spot at the top of the stairs. In the perfect spot to watch not only the front door but both of the kids rooms as well.

"Hey, girl," Callen muttered before standing up.

Going into the bedroom he stripped off his shirt and went to throw it in the hamper only to have warm arms wrap around his waist. A smile came to his lips as he dropped the shirt to the floor and leaned back against his husband's chest. There was nowhere he'd rather be.

Turning in the arms he cupped the back of Deeks neck and pulled him into a kiss. He couldn't help but feel happy that he could tell the man was still half asleep just from the way he kissed him back.

A sigh fell from his lips as he broke the kiss and stared into the still hazed eyes. Reaching up he brushed the blond curls from his husband's face making the man smile. The eyes fluttered shut for a moment at the movement before locking on his once more.

"What time is it?" Deeks signed with a yawn.

"A little after two," Callen replied pulling away, "I'm sorry I woke you up. I couldn't not take the picture."

"Of course you couldn't. You are a weak, weak man, G Callen."

Scoffing Callen reached down and swatted at the man's behind. A laugh fell from Deeks lips as he pressed himself closer to the agent a second later. With a wiggle of his eyebrows the younger man reached out his hand brushing against the agent's side before stealing the phone from his pocket.

Shaking his head in amusement Callen didn't bother to try to get it back. Instead he watched as the man found the photo. He seemed to soften almost instantly. It was beautiful to see and he couldn't stop himself from pressing close enough to feel the man against him once more.

That was when he noticed that something wasn't quite right with his husband. The man, even at his sleepiest, loved to cuddle. Actually, make that especially at his sleepiest. Him not responding was not like him.

"Hey," Callen started catching the man's attention, "What's wrong?"

"I talked to Hetty today," Deeks signed after placing the phone down.

"So that's where she disappeared to. What did she want?"

"To offer me a job."

"What? What job?"

"Yeah. You met a friend of hers on the case?"

"Alice Quinn. She's a… She's a lawyer. According to Eric she just moved to her own firm. Only has two lawyers and is looking to expand. Hetty wants that to be you."

"She does."

"And you're not happy about that? I thought you loved being a lawyer."

"I was in my early twenties when I was a lawyer. It was a lifetime ago, Callen. Anyway, I don't even know law anymore. My license lapsed years ago.

"So you study and pass the bar again. You passed it on first try the first time around. I'm not seeing why you're not jumping at this. What's wrong, Marty?"

"What's wrong? Tell me. Have you ever met a deaf lawyer? Or even heard of one? How would that work? It's not like I can sit there with an interpreter the whole trial. And me getting up to ask questions? I don't know if you've noticed, but I only talk to our kids."

Seeing the younger man starting to get worked up Callen reached out and pulled him into a hug. It had been awhile since he had seen the man so scared about something. It was a look that he hoped he'd never see again.

Pulling away he pressed a kiss to Deeks lips causing the man to sigh and deflate a little. Not knowing what to do he lead him over to the edge of the bed and had him sit down before kneeling in front of him.

"I don't know how it would work," Callen signed when his was sure he had the man's attention, "But Hetty wouldn't have said anything if there wasn't a way. If she hadn't thought of a way and had already told her friend exactly what she was doing."

"I know that," Deeks replied still looking defeated.

"Then what's the problem? Why are you scared?"

"I'm scared because… G, I know that I was a good lawyer. I studied and I gave my everything on every case. I'm not the same person that I was before. What if… What if I'm not good enough anymore? What if I've lost who I was? I'm already not a cop anymore. I don't know if I could stand not being a lawyer too."

"Sunshine, listen to me carefully because I'm only going to say this once. You're not the man you used to be. You're better. You're smart than he was. You're braver than he was. You're kinder than he was. You care more than he did. That's not because you're deaf. It's because you're older. You've seen more things than that kid could ever dream of. You're not going to be the same lawyer. You're going to be better."

"But I..."

"No. The only thing stopping you is fear. You're better than that."

"Do I have to be? Because I'm good with wallowing in fear for awhile longer."

"Yes. You're a parent. You don't get to wallow."

"Fine, but only because you sound like Isabelle."

"I was just thinking about that earlier. She's a smart girl. You did good."

"We did good."

"You raised her more than I did."

"Maybe, but we used your sperm. Kind of have to give you a bit of credit."


	2. Routine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked for a sequel to 'Used To Be' where Deeks starts his trek to becoming a lawyer once more. I hope you guys like the new story!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Sending a smile his kids way Deeks started to clean up the kitchen table knowing that Callen had everything under control. At least he hoped he did. Sometimes the older man was a bit of a pushover when it came to Isabelle and Wesley.

He knew that it came from how the man's childhood had been, but it was too easy for him to get caught up being the good guy instead of their parent. Deeks did not want to think of how many arguments had been started because of that.

It was the same hole that he fell into sometimes. He also knew that he couldn't just let his kids walk all over him. There were already too many bratty kids in the world. There was no way in hell he was going to let that happen to his own.

Even after eleven years and two kids it was a bit of a learning curve trying to figure out the right punishments for crimes or just figuring out what each of them needed. Because of course neither of them were anything alike.

He loved his kids. He really did. Sometimes though he wanted to bash his head into a wall. Usually when they had a day off of school and wanted to go out into the town. It felt like the big city he knew had shrunk down to four or five places.

There was the zoo that they went to at least once a month for Isabelle. She had been on a kick for the past few months about being a zoologist. Ever since her dear Uncle Eric bought her a subscription to some animal magazine for kids.

He had figured out that there was in fact a number of times you could go to the zoo before it just got a bit boring. She could probably tell him more about the animals than the zookeepers there could.

Then they had they mall. Wesley just loved going to the mall. Not to shop mind you, but to play. His favorite game currently was going into a store and seeing who could make the most ridiculous outfit.

Deeks had never known just how bad some clothes were. It was amazing the type of things they sold. So much glitter and sparkles. It was a good thing that he had a strong stomach or he'd probably throw up after some of the things they created.

After that they had the beach, a bookstore, and a few restaurants, but that was pretty much it. That was his life in a barrel. Not that he was complaining or anything. He was just trying to figure out which one of those things they were going to be doing that day.

And they would be doing one of them. Especially knowing that Callen was home with them. It was a bit of a tradition if all four of them were home on a Saturday. Something that didn't happen all that often.

It was a good tradition though. One that he enjoyed. The day started with Callen making banana nut pancakes for breakfast. It was one of the few meals that he could make. Cooking was not on the list of special skills the agent had in his repertoire.

After that they'd all get dressed and get in the car. Then came the argument about where to go. It always came down to the tie breaker. D.D. Nothing like having a dog that understood nothing about what was going on decide what they were doing that day.

He didn't mind all that much though. Not when he got to watch both of his children faces light up when she picked a place. And she did. Right hand for one place, left hand for the other and, of course, falling asleep for staying at home. She never fell asleep. No matter how many treats she was bribed with.

Which was exactly what he wanted to do at the moment. He had too much on his mind to be any fun around and he hated thinking that he was going to ruin their day together. It wasn't an excuse he could use though.

They were his family and they were together. He couldn't break tradition unless he or one of them was sick. No, he was going to have to suck it up and push the thoughts away. Anyway, he'd have all of tomorrow to think about everything.

A sigh fell from his lips at that. For years his life had been fairly simple to figure out. All he was was the father of two children. It wasn't always the easiest thing to do, but there was a set schedule. No real curve balls came his way. He knew what he was doing.

He hadn't realized just how set his life had become. He always knew what was going to happen that day and already had it planned out. Get the kids up and fed and off to school. Take care of whatever need be around the house until kids come up. Make sure they do their homework and eat dinner. Then bed. Perfect routine.

That was not something that he had ever thought would describe his life. For a long time he did everything he could just so he didn't get stuck in a routine. To him it was one of the worst words that he could be described as.

Now though… A part of him liked it that way. It wasn't as if he suddenly didn't like excitement, but he couldn't really do what he used to anymore. He had had his career violently taken from him and he had to be okay with that.

Anyway, when this all started he was about to have a child. It had just made perfect sense for him to be a full time parent. Then they had Wesley and the routine had continued without him giving it any real thought.

It never occurred to him to think of his life they were in school. That there was going to be a time when he didn't have to be in the house taking care of someone. That he could go out into the world and find out who he was outside of being a parent.

It seemed strange now that he thought about it, but after he lost his hearing and had learned to live with that he had become a parent. There was no time between those two for him to figure out who he was without his hearing.

Sometimes he couldn't believe just how short sighted he was. He knew that the day would come when he didn't have to be a stay-at-home dad. He never thought to think about what that time in his life would be like.

He had gotten so used to having a life that was routine. He had enjoyed having a life that was routine. Okay, so having a husband that came home looking like he had gone a few rounds with Ali wasn't routine, but close enough.

The life he lead was a good one. It was one that he knew well and he didn't have to worry about it being pulled out from under him. It had taken him a lot longer than he realized to admit that that was all he ever really wanted.

A life where he didn't have to figure out a new plan of attack every few years. He knew what he was doing. Callen knew what he was doing. The kids knew what they were doing. Everyone knew what they were doing. Alright. Maybe he didn't like change.

He never had. When he had first decided to be a lawyer he had thought that that was it. That was the career that he was going to have for the rest of his life and nothing was ever going to make him change his mind.

Then he was a lawyer and he realized that though he was making a difference it wasn't enough. He had wanted to make the world a safer place for people like him. He could do that as a lawyer, but the process was slow.

So he started to think about joining the academy. The police helped people right then and there. He would be able to see his helping as he was doing it. There couldn't be a better way to make the world a better place.

It had taken a hell of a lot of faith on his part to make the leap in career paths. He had down right terrified when he did so. Truthfully, he had been almost completely positive that he was going to fail as soon as he did.

He was man enough to admit that he was a little bit of a perfectionist at times. Nothing big or anything like that, but he liked knowing what he was doing. Wasting his time doing something that he didn't know or care about was not time well spent.

Shaking his head he ran a hand through his hair. He needed a day alone to try to figure out what he wanted. Just one day to think about everything and how it was going to change the life that he already loved.

Callen, Hetty, and Isabelle all seemed to think that there was no real choice. That he was just letting his fear talk. He could admit that that was a part of it. He hated the idea that he wasn't going to be as good as he used to be. That wasn't it though.

No, the problem was the fact that he would be working away from home. It might have been years since he was a lawyer, but he knew just how hectic that life could be. There were no off days for lawyers.

After spending day in and day out at home with the kids the idea of not being there, frankly, made him a little anxious. He couldn't think of what his life would be like if it wasn't focused around his children.

It wasn't until he started thinking about it that he realized just how much time they already didn't spend together. Not just Callen with work, but Isabelle with her friends and Wesley with his. They were rarely home.

He knew that that was a good thing. His children were growing up and becoming fully functioning human beings, but he didn't know where that left him. Where that left them as a family unit.

If he was working as well then there was even less time for them to be a family. Maybe he was being a bit crazy, but he didn't want to miss out on the little time that he got with them because he was working.

For a moment he stood there trying to keep his mind from going over all the things that could be missed. He was knocked out of the thoughts by something heavy hitting his legs. Looking down he saw Wesley grinning up at him.

"Daddy!" Wesley yelled his hand clumsily signing the words.

"Hey, kiddo," Deeks smiled moving to kneel in front of his son, "Nice outfit."

"Izzy said that polka-dots and stripes don't go together. I like it though."

Laughing Deeks pressed a kiss to the boy's cheek before scooping him into his arms and attacking him with kisses. He could feel the boy squirm in his arms and he did his best to ignore the pang of pain he got every time he realized that he was never going to hear his children laughter or even the sound of their voices.

That was the reason he made sure to talk to his kids. He needed them to know the sound of his voice. The idea that they'd never actually hear him say the words 'I love you' was not one he liked. He already hated that he wouldn't be able to hear that from them.

"Where are we off to today?" he asked tilting his son's face so he could read his lips better.

"Beach!" the kid exclaimed his eyes wide.

"Ah. Papa going to continue to teach you how to swim?"

"Yup. Izzy said something about surfing."

"Sweet. She has a few things to learn still."

"You'll teach me too, right?"

"After you finish swimming lessons with Papa. Now go get D.D.'s toys. Can't leave her out of the fun."

Wesley nodded his head quickly before jumping out of Deeks arms and taking off running. Once he was out of the room Deeks felt himself deflate. How much of his kids lives was he going to miss if he did go to work?

He had spent years fearing what it would be like when he finally had a family of his own. If he was going to be good enough. If he was going to end up just like his father. If he was going to mess them up as much as he was.

That fear hadn't left him. He was terrified every day since Isabelle was born. That fear had only gotten worse when they brought Wesley into their family. He might love them, but that didn't mean that he wasn't going to mess them up.

He was there though. He had the chance to do the right thing and to see what the affects of what he was doing. If he did make a mistake he was right there to fix it before it turned into something bigger than it was.

If he started working than he wasn't going to have that option anymore. When he did mess up, and he would, than it was possible it was going to take days before he even noticed that he made a mistake at all.

Forcing himself he took a deep breath Deeks tried to knock the thoughts from his head. He had to pull himself together so his family didn't see just how miserable he was and he had to do it before they figured out what was going on.

Sometimes he really hated his brain. He should be enjoying the day with his family. Instead he was wondering about all the times they might not have together if he worked. How did that make sense? He was ruining the present thinking about the future.

He should know better than that. There were so many thing that he had lost out on because he got lost in thought. At the moment he really wished that he had someone there to smack him upside the head. Maybe they could knock some sense into him.

What was he doing? He had a beautiful family that he loved and a good life that he was proud of. There was no reason for him to get stuck in his own mind like this. Everything was fine and more likely than not him becoming a lawyer wasn't going to change his life. He didn't need to be worried.

Not that that was going to stop him. He could fake being fine and had faked being fine for years. Apparently he was a bit of a worrywart. It's surprising what you learn about yourself when you had others to take care of.

Suddenly Deeks was jumping feeling a hand rest on his shoulder. Spinning around he found his husband staring at him worriedly. With a shake of his head he smiled hoping that the older man wouldn't bother questioning him. As much as he wanted to figure things out he was done. He was done for the day.

"Are you okay?" Callen signed stepping closer to him.

"Thinking too much," Deeks replied with a shrug, "Forget about it. I don't want to think about it right now. We're going to the beach, right?"

"Yeah. Isabelle said she was missing surfing. Why don't you get dressed? I'll pack snacks for us all."

"Thanks, G."

"Anytime, Marty. Though you might want to hurry. The natives are getting restless."

"Afraid of an uprising?"

"No, just don't want three different pouts directed at me."

"Special Agent G Callen. He can face terrorists and serial killers. Puppy dog pouts are his only known weakness."

"Are you done?"

"For now. No promises later."

"Uh-huh. I'm sending them after you in five minutes if you're not in the car. Love you."


	3. Fix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked for a sequel to 'Used To Be' where Deeks starts his trek to becoming a lawyer once more. I hope you guys like the new story!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Twisting his hips Callen let out a grunt as he threw one last punch at the bag. He didn't bother to watch it swing as he turned around and went to see what time it was on his phone knowing that he had to join the world at some point in time.

He shook his head when he figured that he had been in the gym for almost two hours. Two hours of beating the crap out of the punching bag trying to alleviate some of the guilt he was feeling. Fun fact hitting things did not help you feel better. It just made you tired.

Something that he was already feeling since he had been sleeping even worse than he normally did. He hadn't thought that that was possible until he started to share a bed with Deeks. On the nights they weren't together he just couldn't sleep at all.

When he was on a case he could deal with that. It wasn't as if he had a choice. He just got as much sleep as he could and went about his day. He wasn't on a case though. He was spending time with his family. They should have been in bed together.

The younger man hadn't come to bed the last two nights though. He wasn't even sure that he was sleeping at all. If he was going to base it off the dark bags under his eyes it was more likely than not that he wasn't.

It was a look that reminded the agent of when they were working together. Deeks was the type of person that threw all of himself into a case. It didn't matter what they were doing or who they were trying to help. He was there for them all.

Those bags had not actually disappeared when he left. They got worse. That was what happened when you had children that cried all night long. Ever since Wesley started sleeping through the night though the bags had mostly faded away.

The only thing that was left was the beautiful ocean blue eyes that he loved. There was nothing like having those eyes focused on him. It never failed to make his heart flutter. He hoped that that feeling never faded.

He hadn't felt the man's gaze on him in the two days that he had been home though. Instead his husband was pretty much lost in his own world. His nose stuck in a law book. If he had actually talked to the man he would have joked about him being a nerd.

Deeks was too busy to really talk. Unless they were paying attention to the kids, but it wouldn't do good to bring up his worries in front of them. That would just end up in them having a fight and he liked to avoid those at all cost.

This was the last thing he had wanted to happen when he brought up the idea he had with Hetty. He was trying to help his husband and it seemed as if he had simply pushed the man into walling himself off.

His husband had been weird since the both the kids started going to full days of school. It was scarily close to depression. Like his whole world had just stopped spinning and he wasn't even trying to get it back on track.

Seeing the man he loved that way had made him worried. So, with Hetty's help, he came up with a little plan to help him out of his funk. Just a little thing to get him back into the land of the living before he actually got to the point of depression.

Callen had no idea that it would snowball the way that it had. To him it seemed like an easy fix. If Deeks didn't have anything to do at home when the kids weren't there then he could do something outside of the home.

Deeks had loved being a lawyer. He had heard enough stories to know that. So he found a way to give that life back to him. Why wasn't he jumping at the chance to be one again like the agent thought he would?

Over the years Callen had spent a lot of time worried about his husband. Not a day went by that he didn't want to send the man a text just to check in. To see if he was alright. It was a little paranoid of him, but he didn't really care. Not after everything that had happened.

After he lost his hearing Deeks had become a different person. Not in big ways, but in the little things that he did. The little things that Callen had fallen in love with in the first place. It was like the man wasn't who he felt in love with at all.

He had to relearn who his husband was after the explosion. As much as he hated to admit it there had been more than a few points in time where he wondered if they were going to make it through those changes.

That wasn't to say that he ever stopped loving the man. There was nothing in the world that would ever make him stop loving Deeks. Even if they did end up breaking up at some point he was never going to not love him.

His husband had given him two of the greatest gifts a person could give another. The first was giving him the ability to feel something other than anger. Yes, he had loved Sam and Hetty and everyone else, but he was in love with Deeks.

It wasn't until the moment he realized that he was in love with the man that he realized he really did have a heart. That he wasn't as broken as he had always thought he was. He was in love and he loved that feeling.

The only person to make him feel anything that strong was Deeks. At least he was before they had kids. Callen now knew that he had a fully functioning heart and Sam was going to make fun of him for being that sap until their dying day.

His heart had almost broken after the explosion though. Not because Deeks had lost his hearing. He didn't care about that. As long as the man was alive than he was more than happy to take him anyway he could.

It was because of the man that had greeted him after it. He just wasn't the Marty Deeks that he knew and loved. He had been so angry and it seemed like he was going to just give up on everything they had.

That wasn't him. Deeks never just gave up when the going got tough. It had taken awhile and he had to have his ass kicked a few times, but he started to act like himself once he worked past the fact he couldn't hear.

Still, even after that he wasn't the same. Not that he was truly different, but… It was hard to explain the change. He should know. He had tried many times to explain it to anyone that would listen to him.

He had been the only person to notice that something was different though. With how the man acted right after he lost his hearing it wasn't all that surprising that no one else noticed. They were just glad that he was functioning again.

So Callen wasn't surprised that no one else really paid attention to the small things that had changed. And all of the changes were small ones that he almost didn't notice. Things that were so subtle it had taken months to figure out what had happened.

It was mostly in the way that he held himself. Before he was ready to take on the world. He would walk into a fight knowing that even if he didn't get out he'd get someone else to safety. He was open and willing.

After everything happen it was as if he suddenly decided to close himself off from the rest of the world. He still cared about people and wanted to help the, but… He had his own little world to take care of and that was that.

Callen had known that the man wasn't going to be the same as soon as it happened. To be honest he'd be a little concerned if he was. You didn't go through something like that without changing at least a bit. And he had spent too much time talking to Nate.

Something that was a very closely guarded secret. One that only he, Nate, and Hetty knew. He hadn't wanted to put any pressure on Deeks while he was trying to heal himself. So he kept the fact that he was talking to the psychologist a secret from them all.

It was the first time that he had actually sought out Nate for his help. He hadn't wanted to at first and if he had thought of a better plan than he would have gone with that. But he had felt so helpless.

Seeing Deeks in the hospital shutting down from the world around him it was like… Like he was watching the life he had built fall apart and there wasn't a damn thing that he could do to stop it from happening.

He might not like thinking about it, if anyone else brought it up he would deny it, but he knew that he had his fair share of issues. Actually, if he was being truthful he had more than his fair share. He didn't want to split hairs though.

The main one had to do with family, of course. The idea that he was losing his family was terrifying to him on so many levels. He had wanted to grab hold of his husband and never let him out of his sight again until he was… Fixed.

He couldn't let his family fall apart before they were even whole. Not without doing everything in his power to stop that from happening. Even if that meant doing something that he hated. They were worth it. He'd do anything for them.

Nate had actually been helpful. Not that that was surprising. The man was good at his job and knew both of them and what was going on. It was more like a conversation than anything else. Which gave him the illusion that the man wasn't noting everything he said and did. He liked it that way.

Mostly because it didn't make him feel stupid for how he was acting. He wasn't the one that had lost his hearing or had his job taken away. He was perfectly healthy and nothing horrible had happened to him.

He had just needed to talk to someone that he knew wouldn't call him an idiot for making it all about him when he should have been thinking about his husband. He needed someone that would listen to him try to figure out how he was supposed to help.

Nate had never let him down before. Which was saying something considering just how many times he had blown the guy off because he didn't want to talk. So he gave in before he did something to mess up what he had.

It hadn't been easy. They had ended up spending a lot of time talking about everything. It might have seemed like a conversation between friends, but they were actual therapy sessions. The things he did for his family.

Their last talk, really he felt better saying it that way, had been about a week before Isabelle's first birthday. They had fallen into a new life and he thought that they were fine. Deeks feel into his die as a stay-at-home father and Callen had gone back to work.

There was an adjustment period where both of them were walking on eggshells. Not because they were fighting, but because they were getting used to handling their new life. They rolled with the punches though. That was really the only thing they could do.

That seemed to work for them. At least for awhile. Maybe he was the only one that saw the cracks because he left the house for days at a time. He didn't know. All he knew was that they hadn't actually dealt with anything. They brushed it off and acted like everything was fine.

All the questions and fears that they had had when Deeks first lost his hearing were still there. Nothing had changed and they were starting to come back to the surface now that the kids were able to start doing some things for themselves.

"Woah," Eric called out when Callen spun around and threw another punch at the bag, "Should I… Are you okay?"

"Do we have a case?" Callen asked ignoring the question.

"No, I was just going to hit the treadmill. Seriously though. Are you okay? Did something happy at home?"

"Eric."

"I know. I'm not Nate or Sam or Hetty, but I can help. I can. Try me."

Hearing the tech practically beg to be talked to Callen found himself smiling slightly. He always found it endearing whenever he acted like a puppy. Not that he was ever going to tell the man that. Seriously. Never tell him.

"Deeks is thinking of going back to law," Callen offered after a pregnant pause.

"Really?" Eric blinked before nodding his head, "Wow. I didn't think that was ever going to happen."

"Why not?"

"Because of Wes and Izzy. His whole life is pretty much taking care of them."

"They're in school now and barely home when they aren't there."

"Oh, I know, but… My Mom used to say that the hardest thing she ever did wasn't having kids."

"Let me guess. It watching them grow up."

"No. It was leaving us to go back to work. She stayed at home with us until we were in school like Deeks. She had made her entire life about taking care of us. When we didn't need full time care anymore she went back to work. We didn't really notice a difference. Probably because we were too busy with our own lives. It wasn't until about five years ago that she told us that she felt like she was letting us down by going back to work."

Callen felt like he had been hit with a ton of brinks when the younger man said that. He had never thought about it that way. His life had never just been about his kids though. He left the house to go to work and live in the real world instead of the one the kid's built.

"Can you tell, Hetty I had to do something?" Callen requested taking off his gloves and grabbing his phone.

"Sure," Eric replied as the older man rushed out of the room, "Where are you… And you're already gone."


	4. Being

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked for a sequel to 'Used To Be' where Deeks starts his trek to becoming a lawyer once more. I hope you guys like the new story!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Stretching his hands above his head Deeks let out a pleased moan feeling his back crack. It felt so good finally getting out of the hunched over position he had been in for… Honestly, he didn't know how long he had been in that position.

He remembered setting up a little work place on the kitchen table after they got back from the beach, but that felt like both five minutes ago and five years ago. He was so exhausted he thought he was going to pass out on the books. Again.

It had been a long time since he had pulled all-nighters studying, but that was what he was doing now. And, to be honest, he felt horrible when he stopped long enough to pay attention to anything but the words on the pages.

A voice in the back of his head told him, for the hundredth time, to go to bed. It sounded so nice to go to bed and just crash. Just curl up under the blankets and sleep for the rest of his natural born life. It would be perfect.

He'd do anything at the moment to sleep. Except actually going into his bedroom, change into his pajamas, and lie down in bed. He couldn't bring himself to do that though and he had no idea why that was.

Every time he tried to get up to go to bed he only got to the doorway of the kitchen before he ended up turning back around and going back to the table. It made no sense considering how much he really wanted to just sleep.

So instead of taking care of himself and paying attention to the rest of the world he sat at the table reading. Which would have been a little bit more understandable if he was reading something that was new to him.

All the books that he had picked up at the store and all the things he looked up online he already knew. He had learned only a handful of things since he started studying. You'd think after so many years of being out of the game something would have changed.

It felt like riding a bike. He knew exactly what he was doing. He hadn't been a lawyer or a cop for years. There had to be something in the world that had changed while he was gone. It couldn't have all just stayed the same.

He had no idea what he was supposed to think of it all. Truthfully, at the moment, he didn't even want to think. Something that he had been doing rather successfully since Hetty had given him the job offer.

At least most of the time. Every once in awhile he could feel all the thoughts that he had been pushing away trying to escape. It was like they wanted to drive him insane, but so far he was able to ignore them all.

He knew that he wasn't doing himself or his family any favors, but he didn't care. Well, he did care, he cared a lot. He just knew that things wouldn't end well if he let his thoughts take over. The last thing he wanted to do was get lost in them.

That was something that he had perfected over the years. His mind was not the place that he liked getting trapped in. For as much as people call him happy and smiley he knew the truth. He knew just how dark his mind really was.

It scared him more than he liked to admit. So he pushed the thoughts away until they became a part of him. He was never going to get rid of them. There wasn't really a point in trying to anymore. He had to live with them.

When he first realized what he was doing he thought about every persona that he used to play. He wondered if maybe he had worked in the field to long and he had actually lost a piece of himself in that life.

Of course as soon as he thought that he pushed it away and buried it. He wasn't an undercover cop anymore. There was no point in him getting lost in those thoughts. He was just a stay-at-home father now. He was safe from that life.

He had walked a way from it all. There was no reason for him to think about it anymore. It wasn't as if there was a chance that he would ever have to pretend to be anyone other than who he was. It was fine.

Anyway, there were so many things in his life that he had to be focused on instead. Like his family and his possible new job. He didn't have the time to think about things that didn't effect him anymore.

With a deep breath he stood up and went to the sink to grab a glass of water. It probably would have been a good idea to grab something to eat since he hadn't eaten since… Blinking he turned to the clock only to jump when he came face to face with his husband.

"Sorry," Callen mouthed before bending down to pick up the glass that he dropped.

Deeks stared at the older man as he moved back up and placed the glass on the counter behind him. His stomach already felt like it was in knots seeing the man in their home in the middle of the day. That was never a good sign.

At least he didn't think it was. It hadn't actually happened before. Kensi and Nell dropped by if something bad was happening. He had even seen Sam take up watch over the house more than once, but never Callen himself.

Cocking his head to the side he looked over the man trying to figure out why he was there. There had to be a reason. Callen wasn't the type of man to leave work for a quick-y. Deeks had asked enough times to know that.

"Is everything okay?" Deeks signed his eyes still roaming over his husband looking to see if he was hurt under his clothes.

"I don't know," Callen replied with a sad smile, "You tell me."

"What? Cryptic is not a good look for you, babe. What's going on?"

"I just… I think we need to talk."

"Okay. Still not getting the details. What's wrong?"

Deeks watched the older man sigh. He looked like the weight of the world was on his shoulders in that moment. He had always hated seeing the man like that. Even before they were together. It was just not a good look.

After a moment of silence Callen placed a hand on the small of his back and pushed his towards the living room. As they made their way to the couch he wished that the older man wasn't behind him. He doubted the expression had changed, but he wanted to be sure.

By the time they were sitting down Deeks felt like his heart was going to pound out of his chest. There was no way that whatever was going on was good. Callen might not be the best at talking about things, but he wouldn't put him through this for no reason.

"G," Deeks whispered staring into the man's eyes, "Please."

"I don't mean to scare you," the agent signed with a half shrug, "I promise no one is hurt or dead and no one is coming after us again."

"That's good to know. It doesn't really help though."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Callen, just tell me what's going on before I explode."

"Okay, but I need you to be honest."

"G."

"Alright. You haven't been to bed in two days."

"Two days? That can't be right. We just went to the beach yesterday."

"That was on Saturday. It's Monday."

"If it was Monday I would have taken the kids to school this morning. I would have made the breakfast."

"You were passed out on the books so I took care of everything."

"I was passed out on the books? That doesn't… Really?"

"Yeah. Really."

Looking away from the older man Deeks let his eyes dart around the house trying to figure out if anything had changed in the house. There had to be some difference if he had been down for the count for two days.

It didn't make sense that he would be so far deep into the books that he would be ignoring his family for days. That wasn't he person that he was. He cared too much about them to let his own life take over like that.

"I don't… I'm sorry," Deeks started feeling more than a little confused, "I didn't realize that I did that. I thought… I'm sorry."

"Marty," Callen tried his eyes boring into his own, "Why haven't you been to bed lately? Why have you been so distant?"

"I was studying. I swear, G, I didn't mean to ignore you or the kids."

"Marty. The truth."

Blinking a few times Deeks stared at the older man. His heart felt like it had stopped beating. He had been telling the truth. Hadn't he? He had just gotten a little lost in his studying. There was no reason for him to lie about that.

That's what he wanted to tell himself at least. Something that would make sense if he had been learning something. He wasn't though. He was staring at words on a page. Words that he had known for years.

The feeling of wanting to run hit him suddenly and he had no idea why. It wasn't as if he had been doing anything wrong. He just… He didn't know what he was doing anymore. He hated feeling that way.

Feeling a hand come up and cup the back of his head he let his head be directed over until he was looking into the sky blue eyes. A smile came to the agent's lips before he was being pulled forward. He couldn't help but sigh into the kiss and let himself relax.

For that moment it was like the rest of the world washed away. It was peaceful and perfect. It reminded him that he was still in love with his husband. Something he really hoped he was never going to lose.

Callen broke the kiss first though he didn't move away. For a moment they simply sat there breathing each other in. Their lips brushing against each other every once in awhile. They hadn't done something like that since they first started dating.

"I love you," Callen muttered against his lips before pulling away and continuing to sign, "Tell me, what's going on in that mind of yours."

"I don't know," Deeks replied with a shrug, "I'm not really thinking a lot."

"You're always thinking."

"Maybe I'm tired of thinking."

"Marty."

"No, I'm… I should take a shower and clean everything up. Should probably check to see if we have everything for dinner while I'm at it."

Moving to stand up he tried to walk away only for a strong hand to wrap around his wrist and pull him back down. He didn't want to look at his husband and continue that conversation. He had things that he had to do.

The hand came back to cup the side of his face once more. He fought it for a second just wanting to have the whole conversation dropped. They could deal with it when they actually had free time.

It took a moment but he finally gave into the older man and let his face be directed back over to him. He could see the concern clear in his eyes and, in that moment, he hated himself for putting it there.

"Stop running from this," Callen stated making sure Deeks eyes were on him.

"I'm not running," Deeks argued for arguments sake.

"Really? Are you really trying to tell me that you're not running?"

"I'm really telling you that. I got lost in studying. That's all."

"No one gets that lost in studying unless they're trying to hide."

"And you'd be the expert on that?"

"Deeks, you know you've been hiding in those books. That you've been hiding for years."

Glaring at the older man Deeks stood up and took a few steps away. He could barely believe what the man was saying. Or he didn't want to believe he words. He didn't want to think about it too hard.

"In case you've forgotten," Deeks offered with a sarcastic roll of his eyes, "I've been a little busy  _raising our children_. It's a little hard to do anything but take care of them when they're that young."

"I haven't forgotten," Callen shot back climbing to his feet as well, "I have gotten a little pissed at us both for letting it get this far. It's better late than never though. You have the time to..."

"Callen."

"You have the time to figure out who you are now."

"G."

"Am I wrong? If you can tell me honestly then I'll drop it."

"Are you wrong? I don't even know what the hell you're talking about."

"I'm talking about the fact that you put everything on hold to raise our kids. I'm talking about the fact that you finally have a turn to be yourself again. To find out who you are out of an undercover cop or a father. You can figure yourself out."

"I don't need a turn. I know who I am."

"Marty, I love you. I truly do, but for the past few years all you've been doing is being a father and a husband. I know that's not all you are though. You need to find out who that person is."

"I know who I am, Callen."

"You went from being an undercover detective to stay-at-home father without any say in it or an adjustment period. All you know is how to be those two things."

Deeks felt like he had been sucker punched at those words. It was like the dam that he had built about those thoughts was starting to crack and he had never hated Callen more for making him think about them again.

"I was there," Deeks signed taking a menacing step forward, "I know who I am!"

"Then tell me." Callen countered moving forward until they were toe to toe, "Outside of being a father who are you?"

"I'm the person that's done with this conversation. I have things to do and so do you. Go back to work, Callen."


	5. Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked for a sequel to 'Used To Be' where Deeks starts his trek to becoming a lawyer once more. I hope you guys like the new story!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Letting out a frustrated sigh Callen dropped his cell phone into the cup holder of his car and forced himself to take a shaky breath. He had been trying to compose a text to send to his husband, but none of the words came out right.

He wanted to say something about the fight they had had that day. Everything he typed though made it seem like he was accusing Deeks of something or was brushing it off as if it was all in his own head. Neither of which he wanted to do.

Now that a few hours had passed he realized that he might not have gone about it the best way. He had truly only wanted to help the man. Deeks needed to realize what he was doing wasn't good and that he needed help.

He didn't need Callen to accuse him of anything though. Which was what he did. At least it might have seemed that way. Honestly, he wasn't sure what had happened that had gotten both of them to where they were.

Right now though he didn't really care. All he wanted to do was to have a conversation with the other man. One where they listened to each other and tried to figure out a plan of attack for what had been going on.

He couldn't help but chuckle at that. They didn't live in a fairy tale world. They couldn't just sit down and talk about their feelings and have everything turn out alright. He just hated that they were fighting.

It wasn't often that he and his husband fought. Both of them were fairly calm people. Or that's what it seemed like. Being thrown in dangerous situations made you get control over your emotions rather quickly.

At the same time though it wasn't them actually dealing with their emotions. It was them pushing them aside until they had time to actually focus on them. Fun fact, that time rarely ever came around.

Out of everyone he knew he could say with complete certainty that Deeks knew him better than anyone else. That wasn't to say that they didn't have secrets from each other. They just knew more secrets about the other than anyone else.

After all their years together that was the one thing that still scared Callen sometimes. He loved the man, but the idea that someone knew who he was wasn't one that he ever thought he'd be fully comfortable with.

He wanted his life with Deeks to be everything that he had ever dreamed of as a child. Which, now that he had it, he could admit was often. He had the life that he never thought he'd ever get. It was perfect.

When they fought though… It felt like the world was coming crashing down. In that moment he was so sure that the man finally realized that he wasn't worth it. That he could do so much better than him.

That was why he was usually the first to apologize. He wanted to get their life back on track before Deeks had any of those thoughts. That and before he thought that it was a good idea to just walk away from it all.

It was because of that that everything in him was telling him to go home and try to talk to the man again. To end it all before things got out of their control. Hopefully he had calmed down and had thought about what Callen had said. A little time could give a lot of perspective.

He couldn't do that even if he wanted to. Not when he was waiting for his children to get out of school. Normally it was his favorite time of day. Well, that and when he finally got to get home and just be a father and husband again.

Instead he got to sit in a car while his thoughts ran away from him. Thoughts that revolved around the man he loved and the fact that he wasn't the man he fell in love with anymore. He felt like he couldn't even say that the man was Deeks anymore. That was a terrifying thought.

He loved the man with his entire heart. He truly did, but he didn't know him anymore. Not really. And not just because he had lost his hearing, but because they weren't working together anymore.

They no longer saw each other everyday. That had taken a long time to get used to and he still wasn't sure he completely was. Every time they got into a bad situation he'd open his mouth to ask if Deeks was okay.

He hadn't been there for so long, but that was always his first thought. Was his husband okay. The clear answer to that was no. He was pretty far from being okay and it was only going to get worse if it continued down the path they were on.

It hurt to know that the man he fell in love with was not the man that he was living with. That somewhere along the way they had lost part of the connection that had brought them together. He needed to fix that. Somehow.

He knew that the first thing that needed to be done was Deeks finding himself again. It was their biggest obstacle at the moment. He just… He wanted his husband to know himself so he could get to know that man as well and they'd got back to where they were.

That didn't seem like a bad thing to him. In fact, it seemed like the thing that anyone would want to do when put into that situation. So why wasn't Deeks trying to find out who he was outside of his job and his family?

Okay, when he put it that way it sounded rather intimidating. Deeks wasn't old, but he wasn't exactly young anymore either. Trying to rediscover ones self wasn't something that would be fun at any age, but it was worse when you had had that person taken away.

It wasn't something that he would want to go through if he had the choice. He liked knowing that he was in control of what he was doing. That he was the reason behind anything and everything in his life.

His life was in his own hand and he knew it. There was nothing stopping him from doing whatever it was that he wanted to do. He'd do anything in his power to give that choice back to the man that he loved.

He couldn't though. The life that Deeks used to lead was gone and he wasn't going to get it back. There was nothing that any of them could do to change that. No amount of wishing or dreaming or waiting would change that.

It had taken longer than he liked to admit for him to realize that the younger man was hiding from that truth. That he was still holding out hope to get his hearing back and go live the life that he had made for himself.

After that he truly thought he'd find his way back if he was given some time. It was a big change in his life. One that he hadn't made for himself. Of course it was going to take a lot of time for him to figure out how to live the life he now had.

Then more time passed and then even more. Callen told himself to talk to his husband. That maybe he needed to know that he wasn't alone in it. That maybe he needed a little push to get started living again.

As time went on though everything around Deeks seemed to changed and he stayed the same. He got so busy living his life for their kids that that became being a parent was all that he knew how to do anymore.

The younger man got lost waiting for things to go back to normal. How was it possible that Callen had never seen that the man wasn't dealing with his hearing loss? That he was still stuck in that state years later?

Callen wanted to smack himself for his part in it all. If he had just talked to Deeks sooner. If he had followed Nate's advice to have the man talk to a professional before Isabelle was born. This wouldn't be happening. Why did he think ignoring the problem would make it go away?

A sigh fell from his lips as the school bell rung. Needing to push the thoughts away for the moment he climbed out of the car and looked around for his kids. He'd feel better when he had his attention on something else.

"Papa!" Wesley yelled running at him full force and throwing his arms around the agent's legs, "Hi!"

A grin came to Callen's face as he bent down to pick up his little boy. He was always so excited when he was there to pick them up from school. Even though that happened more often than not. It never failed to bring a smile to his lips.

"Hey, kiddo," he greeting holding him against his chest, "How was your day?"

"I won at tag during recess and I got an A on my History test!"

"That's awesome, Wesley. I'm so proud of you."

"Me too."

Laughing at the boy's answer he placed a kiss to his cheek causing his to squeal in happiness. For a moment everything that had happened that day washed away. Nothing could bring him down when Wesley was in a good mood. Well almost nothing.

As he moved to put the boy down Isabelle came walking up to them. He expected his normal hug and kiss greeting from her, but then he caught the look on her face. There was no other way to explain it. She looked like she was ready to deck someone.

The look made him want to question everyone that she had seen that day and  _deal_ with whatever it was that made her look that way. No one hurt his little girl and got away with it. Not on his watch.

"Hey, Iz," Callen tried to greet only to have her storm past him and climb into the car, "Okay. Your sister is in a bad mood."

"Yeah," Wesley nodded his head in agreement.

"Come on. Let's go home. Maybe she needs some food."

"Or the potty!"

Shaking his head he buckled his son into his seat before making his way to the drivers' place. As he started the car he spared a glance Isabelle's way and saw her glaring out the window with her arms crossed over her chest.

He wanted nothing more than to question her about what was going on. Still, he knew better than to do that in front of Wesley. Not with the way she was acting. They could talk when they got home.

The car ride was unusually quiet and he hated it. First he had a fight with Deeks and now Isabelle was in a bad mood. It felt like things were starting to fall apart and he was terrified that he wasn't going to be able to stop it.

By the time they got home he felt like he was going to break. He needed to find out what was going on and fix it. He already let one problem dwell too long he wasn't going to make that mistake with Isabelle as well.

That and the fact that both his husband and his daughter had big personalities. The idea of them getting into it was not a good one. Especially when both of them were as upset as they were. It would not end well.

"Isabelle," Callen before she could get out of the car, "Can we talk?"

"Papa," the girl sighed not looking at him.

"Please?"

"Fine."

"Thank you. Wes, why don't you go inside? Tell your Daddy we're home."

Reaching back he undid the latches to the boy's car seat before letting him out. Instantly the boy was running out of the car already laughing as D.D. ran up to him. Normally that would bring a smile to his face, but then he looked at Isabelle.

She looked horrible to say the least. Her eyes were rimmed red like she had been crying. Even with that though she was glaring like she was ready to take down the first person that crossed her. He hated that look on her.

"Do you want to tell me what's going on?" he questioned turning to her.

"Bad day," Isabelle shrugged still not looking at him.

"Anything I can do to help?"

"No."

"Alright. You know I'm here if you need anything right?"

"I know."

"And you know that no matter what I will always love you. Right, Isabelle?"

"Yeah. Love you too, Papa. Everything is fine with me. You don't need to worry about it. Anyway, I have homework to do. I'll be fine. Go back to work, Papa."


	6. Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked for a sequel to 'Used To Be' where Deeks starts his trek to becoming a lawyer once more. I hope you guys like the new story!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Deeks forced himself to take a deep breath to fend off the frustration that threatened to overtake him when Isabelle rolled her eyes and walked away in the middle of what he was saying. For the third time that day. It wasn't even noon yet!

That had been happening more and more often in the past few weeks and it made no sense. She was never the type of person that would do something like that. She was like him. If something wasn't going her way than she was going to argue the point until it did.

It was really starting to get to him. He could only really stand there and watch her walk away from him. If she didn't want to talk to him than she could do it quite easily. It wasn't as if he could hear her.

Growing up she was the one that he rarely had to remind that he couldn't hear. She knew to direct her face at him and she picked up sign quickly. It had been a bit of a learning curve, but they had gotten through it.

For awhile she had even been his little translator. He didn't need her to do it, but when they went out shopping or to the park she would run up when someone was talking to him and sloppily sign along. It was one of his best memories of her.

His hearing being taken away was something that he had to live with, but that didn't mean that he liked it. He dealt with it because there was no choice for him in the matter. It was what it was and that was it.

It was odd to think that it was actually easy to talk with his children when they were kids. They had never had a fight that lasted more than a ten minute time out. They had never just stopping talking and listening to him.

He had been waiting for, dreading really, the day to come when she started to act like a teenager. It might have been awhile ago for him, but he remembered being a teenager well. He also remembered how much trouble he got into.

It had not been the most pleasant time in his life. Truthfully, it wasn't until he was in his late teens/early twenties that he started to straighten out. He had never gone really crazy, but there had been some close calls in his past.

She was only eleven though. She was still his sweet little girl that hid her face in his side whenever something scary was on the tv. He thought that they had a little while longer before the attitude started. He was not looking forward to dealing with the attitude.

He knew that it was a part of growing up and figuring ones self out and all that. Surprisingly he was okay with that. He actually wanted that to happen. To see that his children were growing up into good people might be bittersweet sometimes, but other times it was just sweet.

He just wished that it wasn't happening at that exact moment. Not with how messed up his own mind was. Not with the fight that he had with Callen still fresh in his mind. Not with him not being able to focus on her and her needs.

Unless that was actually the cause of it all. A wall had come up between the two older men. So much so that he was sleeping on the couch to avoid spending time alone with his husband. Even on the nights the man wasn't there.

It wasn't right of him and he knew it. He had to think of the kids. They needed them to be okay. Which was the last thing that they were and he had no idea how he was supposed to fix them. He had no idea how he was supposed to fix himself.

He wasn't the type of person to look in on himself. He didn't like going into his mind and figuring out what was wrong with him. Mostly because he was terrified to find something that he wasn't going to be able to fix.

As much as he hated to admit it though he knew that Callen was right. He was lost. He had gotten lost the day that he had lost his hearing and he had never really found equal footing again. There wasn't time for that.

Everything had been so up in the air that he had forced himself to push all his thoughts and fears away. He was alive and breathing. That was all that he needed to be to function in the life that he was going to have.

He had had a child on the way. He couldn't focus on himself. That was the last thing that he could do. The last thing that he wanted to. He had found a reason for everything as soon as he felt his baby girl kick and he had latched onto that.

Since that day he had been Dad. That was all. It wasn't healthy for him and he knew it. None of this was a surprise to him. It might anger him and he might run away from it, but it wasn't a surprise at all. He couldn't do it then and he still couldn't do it.

Every time he thought about thinking about himself or doing something other than taking care of his children he felt sick. Like he was betraying them somehow. They had given him the strength to keep going. How could he just abandon them to live his own life?

Add that to the fact that he didn't know what he could do anymore and it was pretty much a stalemate in his own mind. It wasn't as if he could just go out on the town and find something to do anymore.

There were extenuating circumstances now. Ones that he couldn't hide or run away from. He had to put them up front for everyone to see. That had never been the person that he was. He never showed people all of his cards.

Sometimes he felt like wasn't a person anymore. He wasn't anything other than a parent and as more time passed it felt like he couldn't even do that right. The more time he spent thinking about himself and his life the more he wanted to just stop.

Day after day pushed his thoughts away. He pushed thoughts of his old life away. He pushed away the fact that he was never going to hear again. He pushed away the fact that he couldn't just walk out of the door and do whatever he wanted. He pushed everything away until he was just there.

He knew that he was doing more harm than good. He knew it and he told himself off for it every single day. He couldn't bring himself to care though. Not when he knew going back was going to hurt as much as it would.

He couldn't believe that people ever thought he was strong. That was the last thing that he was. He was just a coward that ran away and hid behind a new name or a 'funny' joke when things got tough. He wasn't strong at all.

That was never the person that he had meant to become. After years in an abusive home he promised himself that he'd never let himself be the victim. That he would make himself better and show them all.

After years as a cop he had thought that he had finally done that. That he was in control of his own life. That he was never going to be that person again. He was better than that. He was finally better than that. At least he thought he was.

How his life had ended up they way it did was beyond him. This wasn't the plan that he had had. And he had actually had a plan too. It was vague and usually just consisted of him not dying or not going all dark side, but it was a plan nonetheless. It seemed like a good plan to him.

Somewhere along the way the plan had fallen apart. He wished that he could blame it on one thing. That if this hadn't happened he would still be the man he promised himself that he would be. He couldn't.

In truth he didn't think anything would have stopped him from becoming the person he was. It was a well kept secret with himself that he had been planning on leaving his job once Isabelle was born.

One of them had to do it anyway and he had thought that it should be him. He didn't know why that was, but when he whenever he thought about it he always thought that him leaving was the right move to make.

For as much as loosing his job sucked he had been prepared for it. He had been willing to make that leap and loosing his hearing hadn't changed that. It might have seemed like he hadn't been ready, but he had been.

Loosing his hearing as a whole had been harder to deal with. He might not fully be okay with it, but… Okay, there was no 'buts'. He was not dealing with it well. He could live with it, but he didn't deal with it.

He knew that that was the things that was holding him back the most. Not the only thing, but the major one. He could live as a deaf man. At least when he was in his home. There he had nothing to prove. He was a father and that was perfect.

Outside of the house though. That was a whole different ballpark. Out there he was so used to being someone else. Multiple someone else's. Out there he was anyone that he wanted to be and no one could stop him.

Out there he was a detective. He was the person that went around the keep people safe. He was the one that saw someone steal a purse and gave chase. He was the one that had a gun at the small of his back ready to take down anyone that needed to be taken down.

Or he had been. That was who he used to be. That was all that he knew for a long time. Being someone else. Being the person that helped others. Being anyone other than the person that he really was.

He didn't want to get his old life back. Not all the time at least. He liked being a father. He just… He wished that he hadn't been so many different people before. He wished that he hadn't gotten so good at hiding away.

Something that he was really good at doing now. It said something bad that he worked best when his life was up in the air. His life should not be up in the air. He had things he had to do. It wasn't as if he could just take a break from it all and solve the problems at once. Life didn't work that way.

Speaking of life. With a deep breath he went into the living room and took the sight in. Wesley was laying on the ground reading his history book to D.D. while Isabelle sat on the couch glaring at her cell phone so hard he thought it would explode.

"Isabelle," Deeks said sitting on the coffee table to look at her, "You want to tell me what's going on?"

"Nothing," she offered tilting her head towards him more from instinct than anything else and not bothering to sign for him. Another first.

"Really? So, nothing is going on in that head of yours that it making you roll your eyes and walk away from me when I ask you to do something?"

"Are you interrogating me?"

"I was a cop so I can if you'd like to."

"Please. You're not a cop anymore. If you ever really were."

He knew that she had probably not meant for him to understand that last sentence, but he was pretty good at lip reading by now. Things rarely went passed him if he was focused on the person talking.

"Excuse me?" he questioned slowly thinking she'd take a step back.

"You weren't a real cop," Isabelle responded turning to face him fully, "Not like Papa is."

"We worked on the same team, Isabelle. That's how we met. I've told you this before."

"As LAPD. What did you do? Get the coffee?"

"Isabelle Marie Callen. I am your father. You do not talk to me like that."

"You're not my father!"

He barely noticed as she took off to her bedroom. Deeks felt like he had been punched in the gut at her words. Never had he feared that one of his kids would say that to him. It just wasn't possible in his mind.

Staring at the spot that she had just been sitting in he felt tears gather in his eyes. It was as if the whole world had just shifted on its axis and everything was wrong. He couldn't believe that his daughter had said that to him.

He was knocked out of his thoughts when he felt something press against him. Looking over he saw Wesley staring at him in a sad confusion. He wasn't able to stop himself as he gathered the boy in his arms and held him closely.

"Hey, buddy," he offered knowing his voice was weak as he tried to fight the tears back. He wasn't going to cry in front of his child. "How do you feel about pizza for dinner? That sound good?"


	7. Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked for a sequel to 'Used To Be' where Deeks starts his trek to becoming a lawyer once more. I hope you guys like the new story!
> 
> I'm so sorry that it's taking me so long! My attention span is not my friend right now! I hope everyone is doing well on these holidays. Or just days. Happy days!
> 
> Warning: None as of yet.
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Closing his eyes Callen let his body steadily sway with the ship as it rocked. It was both a disorienting feeling and a peaceful one. Though it only felt odd for the first few days. Then it was just something that happened.

It wasn't often that the team ended up being on a ship. Which had actually become a bit of a running joke with him and Wesley ever since the boy found out what his job was and what NCIS actually stood for.

He had been beyond excited about the idea that his Papa worked on a ship. Callen really hadn't wanted to break his heart with the truth, but, with the help of a few toy ships, the little boy had gotten over his sadness.

That had been the first thing that Wesley had ever been a real fan of. Then he found out that his Uncle Sam was a Navy SEAL. He had never seen the kid go absolutely insane with excitement. It was as if he was meeting the man for the first time.

Ever since that it had been a running joke that he was going to follow in his uncle's footsteps and join the Navy. Callen wasn't sure if that was something that he was excited about or if he just wanted to wrap him in bubble wrap and throw him into a locked room. It depended on the day.

Still, it came with a little joy every time he stepped on a ship now. He might not be able to tell Wesley the entire story, but he was more than happy to tell him the little things that happened. And if there happened to be some things that could be given to the boy he wasn't going to complain.

So far he had gotten a little fake badge sticker that the Captain had to give to kids he came across and a hat that he wasn't going to question where Sam got it from. For being there for week he was calling it a good days work.

Except for the actual work part. That they had hit a brick wall on. No one saw or knew anything. It was starting to look like they hadn't needed to be on the ship at all. He wasn't going to complain though.

At least not until they got home and Wesley started question whether or not they could get a boat. It was something that Callen had found himself wondering almost as often as his son. He had to get it from somewhere.

He had really thought of buying a boat more than once. He had wanted to talk to Deeks about it while they were dating and then when they got married, but the time never seemed right. Agents never got time to relax like that.

Which he was reminded of every time a sailor walked past him in the hallways. He wasn't on vacation. He was working on a case that needed his full attention. At the moment though he felt his focus dragged away.

The longer he was away from his family the worse his attention was. At least when it came to calm moments. If he or his team were truly in danger there was nothing on the planet that was ever going drag his attention away.

A week wasn't the longest that he had been away from his family. Not by a long shot. That didn't make it hurt any less. He felt like a piece of his heart was gone while he was away from his kids. He never wanted to quit his job more than when he spent a significant time away from his children.

For the first time though he found himself a bit glad to be away from his husband. Something that he felt more than a little guilty for. Even with all the trouble they were having he should want to be around the man that he married. Wasn't that a part of his vows? Sickness and health and all that?

At the moment though he just was tired. He hated to admit it, but it was almost as if their home wasn't their home anymore. If it wasn't for their kids he wasn't sure anymore that he and his husband would still be together.

Don't get him wrong he loved the man with all of his heart. He doubted that that feeling would ever go away. He hoped that that feeling would never go away. He didn't know what he would do if that ever happened.

Still, he doubted that it said anything good about him that he would rather face down a terrorist than talk to the man he loved. It was just easier getting shot at and almost killed than it was trying to talk to him lately. At least he knew where he stood with the terrorist.

One of his biggest fears had always been them falling apart. Falling out of love. As much as they both hated it they knew there was a chance that could happen. Hell, he expected it to happen as soon as the words 'I love you' fell from their lips.

That's what it felt like every time he saw Deeks. Like they were complete strangers sharing a home together. A part of him wondered if the man would even notice if he didn't come home. Or would he feel the same guilty relief of being away from the others raincloud.

A dark chuckle fell from his lips at that. He was getting poetic. A thing that he had picked up from Deeks. Of course, he had some of the younger man's quirks. Because right now he really needed to be reminded of his husband.

"Agent Callen?" a voice broke through his thoughts, "Sir? You have a call."

Taking a deep breath to get his mind focus on the task he took the stat phone and walked a few feet away from Sam and the Captain. There was no real reason for it since they had yet to find anything incriminating, but it was better safe than sorry when it came to murders and terrorism.

"Hey," he greeted not knowing who was on the line.

"Hey, Callen," came Nell's slightly nervous voice.

"Tell me you have something over there."

"Umm. Well, nothing on the case, but..."

"Papa!"

Callen felt his whole body freeze when he heard his son yell out. He had never had a phone call from one of his kids when he was off on a mission. A few times because they were in the hospital, but that was from Hetty or Eric. Never his kids.

"Wes," Nell's calm voice cut through the agent's panic, "Let Auntie Nell talk. Okay? Sorry, Callen. First, no one is hurt."

"Then why is Wesley with you?" Callen questioned trying to calm himself down.

"I said no one was hurt not that it wasn't important."

"Auntie Nell, I told you! Daddy's hurt. He was crying!"

"Marty was crying? Nell."

A sigh fell from Nell's lips before he heard shuffling on the other end of the phone. Callen felt like he was going to shake out of his body as he waited. He really wished that he wasn't in the middle of the Pacific Ocean at the moment. He needed to be home.

"Papa!" Wesley suddenly yelled into the phone, "Papa, you have to come home! Now!"

"Why, kiddo?" he asked softening his voice without thought, "What's wrong?"

"I got really thirsty last night and I went downstairs to get some water and I heard something when I went back to my room and I thought it was a ghost! I went to see why it was crying and then I saw that it wasn't a ghost. It was Daddy! He was on his bed with D.D. and crying. You have to come home and fix him!"

"Do you know why he was crying? Did something bad happen yesterday?"

"Well… Sort of."

"Can you tell me what happened?"

A pause on the other side of the phone had Callen clenching his jaw. He loved his kids, he really did, but he never liked people talking in a circle. It made the story just too long when all he wanted was for them to get to the point.

"Izzy's being mean," Wesley finally said his voice barely over a whisper.

"Izzy?" Callen questioned trying to think back to how she had been acting last time he saw her, "What did she do?"

"She's picking on Daddy. I told her to stop, but she wouldn't! Then she said..."

"What did she say?"

"She said Daddy wasn't her father!"

Callen felt his stomach sink as his eyes widened. That was the last thing that he was expecting. Isabelle starting her period had came to mind, but not her telling Marty that he wasn't her father. That made no sense to him.

Of course when it rained it poured. Because right now what Deeks needed was to hear his daughter say that he wasn't her father. He needed yet another reason for things to fall apart around him. Wesley was right. He needed to come home and see his family.

"Wes," Callen stated making his decision, "Give the phone back to Auntie Nell."

"Okay," the boy offered softly, "I love you, Papa."

"Love you too, kiddo."

Taking a deep breath Callen looked over at Sam as the man made his way over. The man looked confused as he stood there waiting for news on the case that he didn't have. Shaking his head Callen drummed his fingers on the side of the boat impatiently waiting for Nell.

"I talked to Hetty," Nell said in lieu of greeting, "She says she'll send Kensi to relieve you so you can come home. Oh, and you have some time off."

"Thank you," Callen sighed running his hand over his face, "Take care of Wesley for me."

"You don't even need to ask. See you soon."


	8. Tired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked for a sequel to 'Used To Be' where Deeks starts his trek to becoming a lawyer once more. I hope you guys like the new story!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Deeks couldn't help but flinch back when Isabelle slammed her bedroom door in his face almost causing the sandwich to fall to the floor. She hadn't come down stairs since she got home from school almost three hours ago. He just wanted to make sure she wasn't hungry.

Now though, he wanted nothing more than to knock on the door and force the girl to talk to him. To just say something, anything. It would be better than the silent treatment that she had been giving him since…

He knew that that doing that was the last thing that he could do. If he thought that she was mad at him now going into her room now was only going to make things worse. He had to wait for her to come to him. If she came to him.

He could feel tears gather in his eyes once more as her words echoed in his mind. Over the years he had had a lot of things thrown his way, but none of them hurt as much as what she had said to him.

Before he could stop them the first few were falling onto the sandwich. A Monte Cristo with a side of his famous seasoned fries. It was her favorite and his as well. He had had to go to three different shops that morning to get everything he needed to make it.

It was a tradition with the two of them that when either was having a bad day that the other would make it. They'd move the kitchen table against the wall so they could look out the window at the birds and not talk. Just be there and calm down.

He hadn't really thought that it would be enough to get his little girl to come back to herself, but he had hoped that if she knew he was still there that… It didn't really matter. She had slammed the door in his face.

Slowly he made his way back down into the kitchen taking deep breaths as he went. He could barely believe just how close to the surface his emotions were at the moment. That never happened to him. He made sure that never happened.

The fact that it was happening now made it all the worse. He couldn't have a breakdown. Now when his daughter was having one of her own. She needed him to be strong and to think of her right now. Not of himself.

That was not something that he was sure that he could do though. Ever since Callen brought up everything that he had been trying to ignore he had been second guessing everything that he did. Nothing he did seemed like the right thing.

All he wanted to do was go back to how things used to be. Back before the idea of going back to law came up. When all the bricks of his carefully laid life were in perfect order. Instead of laying on the ground in broken bits.

It was just proof that he was not going to ever build a brick anything. Or really build anything out of anything. That was unless he was planning on destroying the thing he built and possibly killing some people.

That was probably not his best plan. Though for a more than a few years all of the plans that he had created just seemed to fall apart in a spectacular display of sheer stupidity. Usually, or always on his part as well.

But running away was a fairly sound plan in his mind. He had already been doing it for years. There was no harm in continuing down that path. At least no more harm than what had already been done.

Angrily wiping away the tears he dropped the plate into the sink and turned almost tripping over D.D. She had been glued to his side for the past few days. She had even gone so far as to start sleeping in the bed with him. That was not a thing that she or Monty had ever done.

The dogs had been brought into their family to help him function, but they both had taken to watching over the kids. It was something that had always brought a smile to his lips. He loved knowing that they were safe. Just an added level of protection for his heart.

And that was what his children were. They were his heart. The moment that he had felt Isabelle moving around in Mara's stomach he had felt his heart kick into overdrive. That moment had given him his heart back.

Which was something that he never thought he'd lose. After everything he went through with his father he had done everything he could to make sure not to lose his heart or his soul. He wouldn't become that man.

To this day he still had no idea what happened to him. Yes, he lost his hearing, but he shouldn't have lost himself that day. It just made no sense. It felt as if he had been thrown into a mission with a concussion and he wasn't sure who he was supposed to pretend to be.

That part of his life was long over though. At least it should have been. Why was he so lost in… He wasn't even sure what he was lost in anymore. Maybe it was the day that he lost his hearing. Maybe… Maybe the problem had been there longer.

Honestly, everything that came into his mind recently seemed to just push him further away from the truth. He didn't know what he was going towards, but he knew that it wasn't good. The more he thought about it the more he was sure nothing was good anymore.

Taking a deep breath he slowly made his way into the living room and fell onto the couch feeling the weight of the world crushing him. He was glad that Wesley had convinced him to spend the night with his Auntie Nell. It didn't take all that much convincing really. He was too tired to fight.

Burying his face in his hands he forced himself to take a shaky breath after shaky breath to stop himself from crying. So far he had already broken down once and he was not looking forward to having a repeat of that.

He hated crying. Ever since he was a child he had hated it with a passion. Crying made you weak. Not for the obvious reasons. To him it gave away too much. It showed people just how much they actually effected him. He couldn't stand that.

He had no idea how long he had been sitting there when he felt a hand rest on his knee. Jerking his head up he couldn't help but feel shocked when his eyes locked with sky blue eyes. He could barely believe who he was seeing.

It felt like he had been punched in the gut seeing his husband's eyes once more. At least as close as they were. Honestly, he couldn't remember the last them they were as close to each other as they were right then.

Staring into those eyes his walls crumbled. It felt like everything that he had been pushing away suddenly crashed over him. He didn't have time to think before he was falling into the older man's arms sobbing.

Instantly Callen was wrapping his arms around him holding on tightly as he fell forward causing both of them to go to the ground. It had been so long since he found any comfort in the man's arms. He didn't realize how much he missed it until that very moment.

He couldn't believe just how good it felt having the man there again. Letting his warmth fill the cold that had seemed to become a part of him. Having the strong hands hold him like nothing would ever tear them apart. He didn't want to move.

That option was taken away from him though when calloused hands wrapped around his arms pulling him back so he could look in his husband's eyes. They were filled with such sadness as he reached up to brush the tears from his face even though more came just a moment later.

A part of Deeks wanted to question what was happening, but he didn't want to stop the moment. Once again Callen took the choice away when he helped him back onto the couch before taking a seat a little way away from him so they weren't touching.

"Hey, Callen signed offering him a broken smile.

"Hey," Deeks replied swallowing roughly trying to get control over himself for the inevitable fight, "Case over?"

"No, it's not. I got a phone call though. From Wes."

"Wes?"

"He called to tell me what was going on. Well, he called to ask me to come home."

"I'm so sorry, Callen. I didn't… I don't know where he got the idea… He shouldn't have done that. He shouldn't have called you from work. Everything's fine."

"Everything's fine? Really? Is that the lie you're telling me or yourself?"

"I'm not..."

"Lying? Your daughter just told you you're not her father. Don't you dare tell me you're fine. Don't you fucking dare."

"G..."

"No, you can't keep doing this to yourself. To us. You can't keep running and lying."

Deeks felt like he was going to pull his heart out of his chest. He could practically feel the anger that was coming off the other man in waves. All he wanted to do was turn away and leave the room, leave the house, and never come back.

Without thinking he moved to his feet and started towards the door. It was as if he wasn't in control over himself. He was going on autopilot and that was telling him to run as fast as he could from the other man.

He barely got halfway down the hallway when a hand gripped his shoulder tightly spinning him around so his back hit the wall. Ocean blue eyes went wide in shock as he stared at Callen not believing how rough he was being.

"No," Callen signed glaring at him, "No more running."

"That's all I know how to do!" Deeks screamed using his hands to push the man into the wall opposite of him.

For what felt like hours the two men simply stared at each other. Neither really understood how they had gotten to the point of manhandling each other like that. It wasn't who either of them were. Especially with the other.

"What are you talking about?" the agent questioned not moving closer to the man.

"Don't you get it, G?" Deeks signed feeling more than a little desperate, "All I have ever done is run and lie. My entire life is just running and lying about everything. About who I am and what I do. About my name and my age. Where I'm from. Everything! Everything about me is a lie!"

"You can't honestly believe that, Marty."

"And you can't honestly believe you know me, G."

"I do know you."

"How can you know me when I don't know me?"

"Because I see you, Martin Deeks. I see the man that you are. I see everything that is you. I know you."

"You can't."

"Yes. Yes, I can. You're Martin Deeks. You were born January 8, 1979. Your father was an abusive asshole that beat you and your mother for years. Your mother died at his hands trying to keep you safe. Your best friend is Ray even though you haven't talked to him in years.

"You love to surf. Not because you love the water, but because of the stories that your mother used to tell you about merpeople that lived in the ocean. You used to believe that Atlantis was the better place your mother went to when she died.

"You hate green tea with a passion, but choke it down whenever Hetty or Isabelle give it to you because you'd rather drink something you hate than seen their faces fall. In fact, it's because of that reason that you even drink tea at all. You hated it when you were younger.

"You say your spirit animal is a dog because if reincarnation exists you want to come back as one. Not to laze around all day and get treats, but to be like Monty and D.D. To protect the family that you join.

"You have two amazing kids that you would do anything for. You'd move Earth and Heaven and Hell and everything in-between for the two of them without hesitation. Without even thinking about it.

"You have husband that loves you with everything he is. That used to make mental lists of reasons why you were too good for him. That still, to this day, spends nights awake when he's gone sleepless because you're not with him.

"You are Martin Deeks. You are my husband. You are the father of my children. You are my Sunshine. My heart. My world. You gave me everything that I have. Not because I asked you to, but because you want the best for us. For our family."

The whole world had fallen to a stop as he followed along with Callen's words. A smile came to his face through the tears. For the first time in a long time he felt so much lighter than he had. Like he wasn't fighting himself alone anymore.

Reaching out he drug his husband into a kiss trying to pour everything that he felt into it knowing that he wasn't ever going to be able to come up with the words for how he was feeling. They just didn't exist.

Breaking the kiss Callen pulled him through the house until they were falling onto the couch. For once in his life he found himself shutting his brain off to simply feel. He laid there letting the man he loved hold him as he fell into a dreamless sleep.


	9. Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked for a sequel to 'Used To Be' where Deeks starts his trek to becoming a lawyer once more. I hope you guys like the new story!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

A soft grunt left Callen's lips as he placed his still sleeping husband on their bed. The clock on the wall read that it was only 10:18 at night, but with how things had been going for the man he wasn't all that surprised he was sleeping.

For a moment he stood there looking down at the man he loved. It was a sight that always filled his heart with love and joy, but right then he could feel his heart breaking. Because even in sleep the man looked ready to crack.

His shaggy blond hair was limp. His face was splotchy from crying. It looked as if he had lost a few pounds that he really couldn't avoid to lose. He just… He looked nothing like the man that he had left when the mission started.

Or maybe he did. At the moment Callen wasn't really sure that he had paid close enough attention to his husband or his family the last few years. If he had maybe they wouldn't be in the situation they were.

He had always told himself that if he was ever lucky enough to have a family that they would be his number one priority. The more he thought about it though the more he realized that that honor belonged to his job.

Day in and day out that was where he was. Chasing down bad guys and putting himself in danger. Even when he was home he spent a portion of his time looking through old case files or doing paperwork. How was that right?

Now that he looked at everything he wondered if he could have prevented it if he had just been there. Just a little more focused on what was happening with them instead of what was happening with his career.

He wasn't exactly happy to say that he had skipped out on a few things because the team needed him. One phone call from anyone on the team had him dropping everything to get to them and keep them safe.

Of course, he'd do the same thing for his children or Deeks, but that was a major difference. Until yesterday they had never called him saying that they needed help. They didn't want to disturb him at work.

For as upset as he was with what Deeks was doing he knew that the blame wasn't just for the man. He had to take responsibility for what he had done as well. He had to change how he was acting if he wanted their family to survive.

That change had to start with a conversation. Not the one that he had just had with Deeks. That one had been important and hopefully the younger man was wanting to heal, but the one that he needed to have was one with his daughter.

Taking a deep breath he pulled the blankets over his husband before pressing a kiss to his forehead. A barely there smile curled on his lips as the cuddled into the blankets. He really couldn't wait to join the man in bed.

Shaking those thoughts from his head he turned around and left the room. The crack under his daughters door was illuminated letting him know that, despite the fact that it was past her bed time, she was still awake.

"Isabelle?" Callen called out knocking on her bedroom door, "Can I come in?"

He stood there awkwardly wondering if he was going to have to break out his lock picking kit when he heard a soft voice telling him it was fine. Pushing the door open he looked around finding the little girl sitting on the floor her back against the bed and a book in her lap.

A smile couldn't help but come to his lips when he looked at her. No matter what he would never not be happy seeing his children. He hadn't really understood what people meant by 'unconditional love' until he had children.

The smile washed away a second later when he saw her azure eyes were rimmed red. It seemed as if Deeks wasn't the only one that had spent the night crying. In eleven years he had never not known what to do while she cried. Until now at least.

A sad sigh fell from his lips as he moved to sit down next to her. He couldn't believe how big she was. It seemed like yesterday that he was tossing her in the air and making her do that laughing squeal. Now she was telling Marty that he wasn't her father.

What the hell had happened to his family? He had only been on the ship for a week. One week should not be enough to cause his family to fall apart like it was. It just did not work that way. At least it shouldn't, but he should know better than that by now.

"I guess  _he_ told you what happened," Isabelle started spitting out the word 'he' like a curse as she pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.

"No," Callen offered calmly staring at the poster of some movie on the opposite wall, "He didn't tell me anything."

"Oh."

"Wesley, on the other hand, called me from Auntie Nell's. He said something about you telling your dad that he wasn't your father. Which is ridiculous in my mind because my daughter would never be that cruel."

"I did tell him that."

Isabelle sounded like she was trying to stand by her remarks, but he could just see the way her lip was wobbling. It was like she was going to break down crying any moment. If he was right she hated what she had done to the other man.

That didn't really narrow the field on why she had said it though. He had already figured that it had to do with something another person had said or something she had read, but he didn't know what it could have been.

He wasn't joking when he said that he didn't think she could be that cruel. Isabelle was a sassy little thing, but she wasn't intentionally mean. Snarky and sarcastic, but once she knew the line she never toed across it.

"I see," he nodded his head knowing that he was going to have to start interrogating her, "And why would you tell him that?"

"Because he's not my dad," the girl said as if it was the most obvious thing. "You are."

"You have two dad's, kid. I thought they taught basic math in school."

"You know what I mean, Papa."

"This time… No, I don't. Explain it to me."

"You are my father. Mara is my mother. You need a male and a female to have a baby. Half my DNA is yours, half is Mara's. I can't make this more clear."

"And that's it? Because you don't share DNA with Marty he means nothing?"

"He just… He's a babysitter that stays around while you go have adventures."

"He's my husband. The man that I married because I love him enough to share my life with him. Where did you get the idea that he was a  _babysitter_?"

"I just… Why did you have to be gay? Why couldn't you fall in love with a girl and be normal?"

Callen felt as if he had been slapped when she said those words. It wasn't the first time that they had been sent his way and he doubted it would be the last, but to hear them from his own daughter was something else.

For a moment he wondered if this was what Deeks had felt like. Then he realized that he must have felt so much worse. Being told you weren't normal was nothing in comparison to being told your not the father of someone you raised.

"Normal?" he questioned his voice lowering without meaning to. "Really, Isabelle?"

"I didn't mean it that way," she tried shaking her head.

"Yes, you did. You meant exactly what you said and I want to know why. What has gotten into you?"

"Nothing."

"Isabelle Marie Callen. You said that your Dad was not your father. You just told me that I should 'normal'. That is not  _nothing._ Talk."

A soft whine left her lips as she jumped to her feet and started to pace the floor. She mirrored what Deeks had done just a few hours previous. If he wasn't positive she wouldn't run he would have stopped her too.

"I just…" she started wrapping her arms around herself, "I'm tired of it."

"Tired of what?" Callen asked not moving from his spot.

"Of people laughing the freak for having two dad's. Of people talking to me in that stupid gay voice. Of them calling me dyke and lezzy. Of them pushing me into lockers during p.e. and telling me not to look at them like the pervert I am."

Tears started to stream down her face as she spoke and he couldn't bring himself to hold back anymore. Climbing to his feet he pulled her into a hug letting her cry into his chest. He never wanted to kill a children more than he wanted to right then.

"People have been making fun of you because you have two dad's?" he sighed rubbing her back, "Why didn't you tell us?"

"Because it's stupid," Isabelle said pulling away from him.

"Isabelle, you just told the man that raised you that he wasn't your father. What they said got to you to the point of hurting him. It is not stupid."

"He's not my father! You are."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why am I your father and not Marty?"

"Because we're blood. Blood is thicker than water."

"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."

"What?"

"That's the full saying. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."

"I never..."

"Heard that one? Neither had I. Not until Aunt Hetty told me. I heard the first one plenty of times though."

"You did?"

"Oh yeah. It's funny what people say to the foster kid."

"I… I forgot you were in foster care."

"It's not some of my better memories. I hated it for the most part. Not everyone was bad, but I felt horrible because who I was. Because of what people were saying about me and about a family that I knew nothing about."

Pulling her over to her bed he motioned for her to sit down so he could look in her eyes better. She looked so young in that moment. He knew that she was only eleven, but he would have sworn she was younger.

"I got made fun of a lot," he continued after a moment, "I got picked on daily and beaten more times than I could count. All of it just made me angry. At the people that were hurting me. At the adult's that said they would help, but turned their backs on me. At my family. At myself. I was so angry for so many years, Isabelle. Aunt Hetty helped me a lot when she brought me to NCIS and partnered me with Uncle Sam, but that didn't heal the hurt that felt. Do you know what did?"

"I don't… What?"

"Your Dad. He gave me what I needed to see that a life spent in anger isn't a life. He could have been like me. Angry and alone. Pushing away anyone that came towards him. Cursing the world for the hand he was dealt. He didn't though. He took everything that happened to him and he made a promise to never be that man. To never let his pain and anger cloud the good that he could do for the world. To never let it stop him from loving. He showed me that. He helped me be the man I am today."

"Really? He did all of that?"

"Yeah, he did. That was so much more than I ever thought I would get. Then he took it a step further. He said yes when I asked him to marry me. And then just when I thought that life couldn't get any better. He gave me you. He gave me a family. I've never looked back on our lives together and regretted a single day. Because if I had never met him I would never have you or Wesley. I would be alone and broken. I would hate the world. I would hate myself."

Feeling his voice break reached up to wipe to wipe a hand over his face only to come back with tears on his fingers. He couldn't help but laugh at that. It seemed everyone in the house was going to end up crying that night.

"How did he give you a family?" Isabelle questioned softly after a moment, "I thought that's what Mara did?"

"She did," he agreed nodding his head, "But not in the way you think. Yes, you are my daughter by blood and I'm able to share that blood with you because Mara was willing to have a baby for us. That didn't make you family though. The fact that I love you with everything that I am.  _That_ makes you family.

"I never thought I'd get this life. That I'd let myself have this life. Isabelle, your Dad gave me that. He gave me back my heart. H gave me the strength to have you. If it wasn't for him I'm not sure that I would have said yes to any of this. Actually I am sure. I would have said no. I would have thought I wasn't worthy of this. That it would end in heartbreak for everyone. If he hadn't been by my side showing me the way I wouldn't have let myself have this."

"He did all of that?"

"Yeah, he did. Your Dad is an amazing person. That's why I call him Sunshine. Because that's what he brings me. No matter how dark or cold it is I can think about him and find a reason to push forward."

"He is a good man."

Seeing the smile come to the girl's lips Callen pulled her into his lap and peppered the side of her face with kisses. A giggle came from her lips as she squirmed in his arms not really trying to get away from him though.

"Papa!" Isabelle laughed pushing him away, "Stop!"

"What's the magic phrase?" he asked mischievously.

"Please!"

"Nope, I don't think so. Try again."

"Papa! I'm going to pee!"

Pulling away he stared down at the panting girl as she rolled off of him and landed on the floor. The grin never left his lips as she turned to glare at him playful. At least not until the amusement fell from her eyes and she practically deflated in front of him.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Callen questioned moving to brush her hair from her face.

"Daddy," she whispered her voice barely over a whisper, "He's never going to forgive me"

"Of course he will."

"How could he? I told him he wasn't my father. I slammed the door in his face when he brought me food! I was so mean to him."

"Oh, Izzy. You want to know a secret about being a parent?"

"What?"

"We love you no matter what."

"Even when we break your heart?"

"Even then."

"Do you think I can sleep with you guys tonight? I want to see Daddy when he first wakes up and say I'm sorry."

"Of course. Get ready. Your Daddy's already ahead of us on sleep."


	10. Proud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked for a sequel to 'Used To Be' where Deeks starts his trek to becoming a lawyer once more. I hope you guys like   
> the new story!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Deeks let out a soft snort of displeasure as the sun streaming through the open curtains woke him up. Feeling the headache brewing in his head he cursed himself for forgetting to close them before he fell into bed like he normally did.

Except he realized that he hadn't fallen asleep in bed the night before. No, he had fallen asleep on top of Callen on the living room couch. At least that's what he thought happened. All he knew was that he didn't remember climbing the stairs and getting into bed.

As soon as he thought that a part of him wanted to scramble out of the sheets and go in search of his husband. He needed to know that what had happened hadn't just been a dream. He couldn't let it just be a dream.

He didn't move though. As much as he wanted to the fear of what he would find if he opened his eyes made him stay still. For the moment he needed to be able to think that everything was fine. Just one little moment.

Laying there he let his mind go wherever to pleased. Even after all the years of being in complete silence it was odd, but it did come in handy some times. Mostly when his brain was peacefully blank. Something that rarely happened.

At the moment though that was exactly what it was. Well, mostly. There were little thoughts popping up every once in awhile that he had to ignore. He was good at ignoring the thoughts that threatened to choke the life out of him.

Or he used to be good at it. The longer he laid there though the more he found his mind filling with questions and concerns and even a few accusations. He couldn't focus on any of them long enough to really think about them.

It was more as if they were smoke that was clouding everything else that was going on in his brain. It wasn't a pleasant feeling especially with the headache that was getting stronger, but it was one that he couldn't fight either.

For a moment he laid there letting the thoughts take control. With everything that was going on he doubted it was a good idea, but he didn't want to fight at the moment. No, as much as he hated it, he wanted to shatter.

He had been so lost in his own mind that he hadn't noticed that he wasn't alone. At least not until he felt something moving against his side. Sleepy blue eyes blinked open and looked down towards the movement. His heart skipped a beat when he saw Isabelle laying next to him.

Instantly he thought that he was still asleep. Isabelle didn't consider him to be a part of her family anymore. There was no way that she would be sleeping against him like she had done in the past.

Still he lifted a shaking hand and reached down to brush the strawberry blonde hair out of her face. He had to clench his jaw shut to stop the breathy laugh from escaping his lips when he felt the soft locks.

She looked so peaceful in her sleep. As if there was nothing wrong in the world. As if everything that had been happening was just a fever dream that all of them could walk away from without even remembering.

A part of him knew that that was nothing more than a pipe dream. What had happened did in fact happen. There was nothing that was going to change the words that came out of her mouth or how broken he had felt when he heard them.

There was a little voice in the back of his head that didn't want that to change. As much as it hurt him he wondered if she was right. If he had gotten so lost in pretending that he was fine that he had failed his children somehow.

It was his job as a parent to give his kids a better life than either he. To give them a better life than Callen had. It wasn't all that difficult of a thing to do, but that didn't change that it was their responsibility to do that.

That didn't mean that they had a nice perfect life. No one ever got one of those. No, he had to give them a better one. It would still have pain and sorrow in it, but she would end up being so much better than he ever could be.

He didn't want her to have to go through anything bad. He never wanted anything bad to ever happen to her. She was his baby girl. Nothing was ever going to stop him from wanting to keep her safe from everything that came her way.

He just wanted her to be the best version of herself and he wasn't sure that he was helping her do that. Nothing about him screamed a stable, happy adult. At least it didn't to any adult that knew him well.

A sigh fell from his lips as he looked down at the girl. He loved her with everything he was. He wanted the world to be a better place for her and for her to be a better person for the world. Nothing was ever going to change that.

It was the same with Wesley. It was an unconditional love that made him want to bend the world to keep them safe while at the same time wanting to show them both every thing so they understood what it really meant to be human.

He had thought that he understood what love was when he fell for Callen. It had brought him such a level of warmth and happiness in his life. It was like nothing he had ever been able to dream of before. And he used to dream of it often.

Being around the man gave him such a sense of safety that he had been more than a little afraid in the beginning. He knew better than to put that kind of power over himself in another person's hands. They could easily bring him down.

Callen had understood that though. He knew the fear that came with giving ones heart away. So while he did hold Deeks heart in his hand Deeks held the older man's heart as well. If one went down the other followed.

Before he could think any more on the subject he felt a finger poke at his chest. Looking down he saw a pair of azure eyes staring up at him. They were filled with such sadness and barely masked fear. Beyond that though there was hope and he couldn't help but hold onto that.

"I love you, Daddy," Isabelle mouthed slowly a shy smile blooming on her lips.

"I love you too, Isabelle," he replied out loud tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, "I love you so much."

It was like a dam had exploded when he said that. She threw her arms around his shoulders burying her face in his chest. He didn't think as he wrapped am arm around her and held her close ignoring the way his shirt was getting wet.

Before he was ready for it she was pulling away and sitting up so she could look into his eyes. Following his daughter's lead he sat up so they were face to face both waiting for the other person to start.

"I'm sorry for what I said, Daddy," Isabelle signed after a moment looking more than a little guilty, "I didn't mean it. Really I didn't. I love you so much and you're the best Daddy I could ever ask for."

"Why did you say it then?" he questioned not completely sure he wanted to know what had been going through her mind.

"These kids at school keep making fun of me. Calling me names and pushing me into lockers. They were being really mean to me and I got mad. I should have said something to you or to Papa, but every time I thought about doing that their words got louder in my head and I just… I just got angry at you and at them and at myself. You were trying to help and took it out on you. I'm sorry, Daddy."

Watching the way the little girl shrunk into herself he couldn't help but reach out and brush her hair out of her face. He wanted to pull her close to him and never let go, but they weren't even close to finishing their conversation and he knew it he did that they never would.

"Oh, kiddo," he sighed shaking his head, "I'm sorry that they're picking on you because of me."

"It's not your fault," she replied instantly staring in his eyes, "I should have said something. You were just being a good Dad and I was just mean. Like them."

"It's not your fault either. You know that, right, Isabelle?"

"If I had just talked to you none of this would have happened. I became just like them because I wanted to hurt you. I said the one thing I knew would hurt you the most because I wanted to hurt you."

Seeing the tears glistening in her eyes Deeks cupped the side of her face and forced her to look into his eyes. He never wished that he could hear more than when he was trying to have a conversation with his kids. He really wanted to be able to hear his kid's voices.

"Listen to me, Isabelle Marie Callen," Deeks spoke out loud hoping his voice was steady and strong, "You aren't like them. They wouldn't realize what they did was wrong. They wouldn't feel as guilty as you do right now. Yes, what you said was wrong and it hurt, but you sitting here right now proves that you're not them."

"I want to hurt them though," she responded instantly, "I want to make them feel as bad as they made me feel."

"I know you do. I get that, but you can't listen to what other people say about you or about us. You can't let them rule you like that."

"But they said that you're going to Hell!"

"So?"

"So? Did you get what I just said? What they said?"

"I did. I understood perfectly. Do you know what else I understand?"

"What?"

"That no matter what they say they don't decide what happens to us after we die. Maybe being with your Papa is going to sent me to Hell. Maybe it won't. Maybe there's no Heaven or Hell. No one knows for sure. Whether there is or there isn't though other people don't decide what happens to us. We do."

"We do?"

"Yes, we do. Our actions towards others reflect on us. Not on them. We can't decide anything for anyone else. All we can do is live a life that we can be proud of when we're gray and old. Live a life that we can tell stories about to our kids and grandkids. Thinking about what other people say about us only drives us to be just like them. To make stupid mistakes that hurt the ones that we love."

Isabelle sat there for a moment before sighing and staring at the blanket. Deeks wanted to continue and try to get her to see what he was saying, but he knew that that wasn't something he could do. It was a lesson that she might be hearing now, but would take years before she fully understood.

"I really messed up, didn't I?" Isabelle signed finally looking back up at him.

"Yeah, Izzy, you did," he responded not feeling the need to lie to her, "But that's one of the good things about people that love you. They forgive you if they knew that you really mean what you're saying. If you've really learned your lesson. Mistakes happen and you're going to make a lot of them. It's part of being alive."

"I'm getting that. I don't like it."

"None of us do."

"Do you really forgive me, Daddy? You're not mad anymore?"

"Well, I'm not happy about it and I need you to promise me that you'll come to me if something like this happens again. That you'll talk to me or Papa or Auntie Nell or someone before it gets to this point again."

"I promise."

"Okay. And you need to apologize to your little brother. You weren't exactly nice to him as well."

"Done. I really am sorry, Daddy. I should have talked to you. I was just so angry and I wanted to be angry."

"I get that. I really do. We all do and say horrible things when we're angry. You get that from both me and your Papa."

"I do? I mean I get Papa, he can get scary when he's angry, but you? I don't see that."

"Oh, you'd be surprised. I do my best not to get angry. It's not an emotion that I like. I think you see why."

"Oh yeah."

"But I know that it's a useful emotion nonetheless. Without anger I might not have been able to do some of the things I've done. You just need to learn how to control and live with it better. You're young. You'll get there."

"You'll show me?"

"Of course. You're not getting rid of me that easily. Now. What do you say we go downstairs and see what mess your Papa made?"

"He does make a lot of messes."

"That he does. If his pancakes weren't so good I would kick him out of my kitchen."

"Hey, Daddy?"

"Yes, Isabelle?"

"I love you."

"I love you too. No matter what."

"No matter what."


	11. Peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked for a sequel to 'Used To Be' where Deeks starts his trek to becoming a lawyer once more. I hope you guys like the new story!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Sitting on the stairs leading up to the front door Callen watched as his kids laughed and ran around the front yard. They looked so happy as they played. You never would have guessed that anything had happened.

Something that he was a little jealous of. He wasn't the type of person that moved on and forgave easily. Probably because he wasn't the type that trusted easily. If that trust was broken once than he was done.

Children weren't like that. Okay, so Isabelle hadn't broken any trust that Wesley had in her. She had been mean to him over the past few days. She had done something that scared him enough to call Callen away from work.

It wasn't an easy thing to forgive in his mind. Except that was exactly what Wesley did. Actually, that hadn't even been an apology. As soon as Wesley saw his big sister he was hugging her and talking about what he and Nell had done.

That was the thing about having kids that he hadn't expected. He knew that one of the biggest jobs a parent would ever have was to teach their kids about the world and how to survive it without killing anyone.

He never thought that he would learn anything from them. Every time he saw them though it was like they were teaching him something new. They just saw the world so differently than he ever had. It was amazing.

Whenever he got to go home and be at home that was one of the things that he looked forward to. He spent weeks on end sometimes looking at the worst of humanity. People that had no regard for anything or anyone. People that he had to be friendly with sometimes.

One of the biggest fears that came not only with being an undercover agent, but being a cop in general, was becoming what they were trying to take down. It was why they spent so much time talking to psychologists.

It might not be his favorite thing, but he knew there was a reason for it. Sometimes he even felt better after talking to someone. Though it didn't help all of the time it was better than nothing. It was better than he could ask for.

He didn't truly start feeling better and forgetting about what he had done in the name of justice until he was at home. When he was able to see his family and know that he had done something good in his life.

There was just something about getting to see a child look at the world that made everything seem okay. It also made what he did seem all that more important. He did what he did so fewer people had to become like him.

Every time he wanted to throw the towel in he thought about that fact. It was enough to push him to do whatever it took to take the bad guy down. That then gave him enough push to get home and see his kids again.

As odd as it sounded it felt like years had passed every time he stepped into his home. Wesley had a new best friend in school and Isabelle had changed her mind about what she wanted to do when she was an adult.

No matter how short of a time he was gone he missed something. It wasn't just missing it once either. No, it was them going through multiple changes and him having no idea what the hell was going on anymore.

It was one of the reasons he was glad to be home at the moment. It might not have been the best way to get called home, but it was nice to be there and have a clear mind for once. He could just focus on his family.

There was nothing dragging his thoughts away from them. He was in the moment and he wasn't going to miss a thing. Which was not something that could say happened all that often when he was just home for a night or two.

As much as he hated to admit it he knew how many things had to be repeated to him over the years. Especially things that he should know since he was their father. He still couldn't say what his kids favorite colors were.

The amount of times that Deeks or Sam or even Hetty had to remind him of simple things was a little depressing. Truthfully, he was just waiting for the day when he forgot one of their birthdays. He wasn't proud to admit that he had done that with Deeks once or twice.

The man understood though. Working as an undercover agent took up so much of ones mind that other things didn't really matter. As long as he came back alive and healthy without dragging work home than Deeks was happy.

What he never wanted was for his kids to understand why he blanked on things. He didn't think that he could handle his kids 'understanding' that. He was their father. He was supposed to be there for them.

Yes, when Wesley called he had come without a second thought. They had been lucky though. If the case was any more dangerous or if Kensi had been doing something he wouldn't have been able to go.

He would have had to tell his six year old son that he was too busy to help his family. That he'd have to wait until he was done with the case to go see them. That the case was more important than his family.

Just thinking about that made his heart ache. He was dreading that more than he could explain. Mostly because that was going to happen one day. There was no way that he was going to get around that.

Those thoughts had been racing in his mind ever since he got back from the ship. It wasn't the first time either. It was different this time though. It felt more like something that he might actually want to consider now.

As much as he hated it he wondered if maybe it was time for him to take a step back from undercover work. He was getting up there in age and he did have a family to think about. It was time for him to start thinking about it.

It seemed that Hetty knew that there was a lot thinking to do in the Callen/Deeks household too. At least that's what it felt like after he got off the phone with her only to be given three weeks off with the instructions that if she saw him in the office it would be longer.

Callen was pulled out of his thoughts by something cold touching the side of his face making him jerk away. Spinning around he couldn't up but glare when his laughing husband plopped down on the stairs next to him.

With an amused roll of his eyes Callen took the bottle of water from the man and straightened back up. For a moment it felt as if they were back to how things used to be. Just them being a family. Nothing more.

As they sat though he found his attention drifting over to Deeks. He looked so happy and peaceful. The twinkle that had been missing from his eyes was even back. He looked like the man that Callen had fallen in love with.

"Hey," Callen signed grabbing the younger man's attention.

"Hey," Deeks smiled his eyes flickering back to the kids for a moment, "Having fun?"

"I am. It's nice today."

"Yeah, it is. It's comfortable."

"I wasn't talking about the weather."

"I didn't think you were."

Shaking his head Callen took a drink of his water while examining the younger man. He might look like he used to, but there was still something in his eyes and posture that was wrong. It was as if he was waiting for something else to happen.

That wasn't really all that surprising. Both of them did that. It was just easier to assume that something bad was going to come next. As much as he tried to prevent it good things didn't last long in their lives.

Still, he did look better that he had. Like he had a weight lifted from his chest. He was being crushed by whatever it was that was going on in his head. Callen couldn't help but smile at that as he reached out to pull his husband into a kiss.

It wasn't anything more than gentle kiss that they had shared multiple times before, but it brought a smile to Deeks lips. It also made Callen wish that they were alone. After everything that they had been through spending a little time alone sounded like the best thing on the planet.

As much as he loved his kids he needed time with his husband. It had been… Now that he thought about it, he wasn't sure when their last date night was. They both had so much on their plate that they had stopped with each other.

"What was that for?" Deeks signed his head cocked to the side as he stared at the agent.

"Do I need a reason?" Callen responded trying to go for teasingly. It wasn't a good sign that that didn't feel as natural as it should.

"No, but..."

"But it's been awhile since either of us has done something like that? I know. We've gotten too…"

"I think I get what you're trying to say."

"I hate what we've become, Marty. I hate that I don't feel like this is my place anymore. I never wanted that to happen. This is my home. You're my family. This is the place where I should feel nothing but peace."

"I know. I do. I hate it too, G. I just don't know how to fix this. How to fix myself."

"Don't do that. It's not just you. We're both to blame. We both got lost somewhere without meaning to. You in the kids and me in work. I don't know how this happened, but I promise it's not just on you."

The ocean blue eyes stared at him as if he was looking for a lie. That hurt more than Callen thought it would. Deeks wasn't supposed to look at him like that. It wasn't how their marriage was supposed to work. How did they get to the point of them not knowing each other anymore?

"How do we fix this, G?" Deeks signed his eyes pleading, "Because… If we keep going this way I'm not sure either of us will make it. I don't want this to end. Us to end. I don't want to put the kids through that."

"Hey, it's going to be okay," Callen soothed moving closer to his husband, "It will. We will be fine."

"You don't know that."

"I know that I love you too much to let it end without us fighting to keep this. We don't give up without a fight."

"What are we fighting for? Each other? We don't know each other."

"We will. We just need a little time to learn each other again. To learn ourselves again."

"You know who you are, Callen."

"Maybe, I do. Sometimes at least. But I'm not the man that you fell in love with just like you're not the man I fell for. We've grown and changed and we got lost. That happens. We just have to find out who we are now. We have to be adults."

"I'm tired of being an adult."

"I know, but we don't get to stop that. What we do get is each other."

"Really, Callen? It's not that easy and you know it. Plus, that was a little cheesy."

"I'm being an optimist."

"But you're not an optimist."

"I could be an optimist."

"Please. Five seconds and you'd be begging Sam to shoot you."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. Really."

It was sad to say that it felt odd having the younger man tease him like that. That had been their way of flirting since they met. It wasn't who they were anymore. At least, it hadn't been for the past few years. Maybe it was time to get back some of who they used to be.

Narrowing his eyes slight Callen smirked as he reached out for the younger man. It took a second for Deeks to get that he was playing, but he moved away as soon as he did with a playful glare in his eyes.

The smirk on his face grew larger as the agent got to his feet as well. The two started to walk further into the front yard though they kept a good distance between them. It was nice to see Deeks hadn't lost a step in his police training.

"Izzy, Wes," Deeks called out a glint in his eyes when he stopped next to their kids, "I think Papa wants to play."

Callen watched as the three loves of his life turned to look at him. All of them had the same gleam in their eyes that on anyone else would make him want to run. Actually, it made him want to run seeing it in theirs as well.

"Get him!"


	12. Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked for a sequel to 'Used To Be' where Deeks starts his trek to becoming a lawyer once more. I hope you guys like the new story!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Slipping into the courtroom Deeks sat in the back row hoping that no one had noticed him entire. He didn't know what the case was about, but it was just common sense not to interrupt court proceedings.

When no one turned around to glare at him he let himself relax a bit and look for the woman that he had been searching for. It had taken a little bit of work online to get him the information, but he had gotten it.

He was just glad that he hadn't had to do much more than ask Hetty what the name of the lawyer she wanted him to work with was. He had said that he wanted to look her up online and see what she was all about. It would be surprising if Hetty hadn't known what he was doing.

If she did though she hadn't said anything. Something that he was glad for. This was something that he needed to do in his own time. Considering how long it had already taken him he was surprised that he had decided to go out that day.

It wasn't that he didn't want to be a lawyer. He had loved it while he was there. Law had been his first passion. The idea of going back to it was one that made him smile just as much as it made him want to run in the opposite direction.

Truthfully, he had no idea why he was so scared of it. No, that wasn't right. He wasn't scared of being a lawyer again. He was scared of everything now. There was nothing that didn't make his heart speed up just a little bit.

It didn't matter though. He was there already. He was in the same courtroom as Alice Quinn was. All he had to do was wait until they had a recess or lunch and he'd finally be able to talk to her about everything.

That didn't sound like a bad plan to him. If he was going to join her at the firm, and he still wasn't sure he was, he wanted to get to know her a bit. Just to see what type of person she actually was in the long run.

The internet had been fairly helpful with that so far. There was quite a bit of information about Alice Quinn on her firms website. Which wasn't saying much considering how easy it was to plant information online.

At the moment he knew that she had been a part of the Marine Corps before she had retired. There was nothing that said what had happened to make her leave, but she was too young for it to have been anything good.

She was a friend of Hetty's though. That pretty much guaranteed that she was a good person with one hell of a tragic back story. Oddly enough that didn't actually make him feel better. It made him wonder just how much that story had effected her.

Now that he thought about it he knew that being there wasn't his best plan. Especially since he hadn't said that he was going to talk to the woman. In reality he hadn't woken up with the idea of going to see her.

It wasn't until Callen was dropping the kids off at school that he decided that he wanted to meet her in person. So he got the information from her website, she really shouldn't give her whereabouts out on the front page.

Deeks still wasn't sure why he hadn't told Hetty or Callen what he was doing. It wasn't as if it was a secret that he was thinking about going back to law. Still, he had walked out of the house with D.D. saying that he had something he had to do.

The more he thought about it the more he realized just how stupid it was of him. Not just because if something happened to him no one would know where he was, but because of everything that was going on between him and his husband.

He and Callen weren't in the best place at the moment. The last thing that he should be doing was adding to that by going on secret meetings with a person that he didn't even know. Yet he had lied and left without a warning.

At the moment his husband was at home alone with a list of chores that needed to be done around the house. Something that he had pretty much demanded to have as soon as he got home from dropping the kids off at school.

Apparently, Callen wanted to be super dad while he was at home. Not that Deeks was going to fight him on that. He had been doing practically everything from cleaning the house to fixing the car on his own for awhile.

It was nice having some time to do something that was just for himself. For the first time in a long time he wasn't thinking about his kids. He was thinking about what he needed. With no small amount of guilt on his part.

He knew that he had to do it though. It hurt like hell and he felt like he was abandoning his family, but he had to start his life again. He had been at a standstill for so long and now that he was aware of it he knew he couldn't go back.

Now was the best time for him to do something for himself. That started with him talking to a person that might be his future boss. Anyway, it was just one meeting. It wasn't a promise to do anything. It was him giving himself a chance.

Taking a deep breath he looked around the courtroom only to notice people leaving. He quickly stood up and scanned the room for Alice. He needed to talk to the woman before he lost the nerve to do it at all.

From all the photos he saw of her he was able to find her rather quickly standing by the desk putting things into her bag. Steeling his nerves he slowly made his way to her. For a moment he simply stood there before a pair of rick chocolate eyes turned to him.

"Alice Quinn?" he questioned out loud wishing he had asked Hetty if she knew how to sign.

He hoped the she would look his direction and give him her full attention, but her lips started to move while she was staring down at her bag. Sighing he stood there waiting for her to stop long enough to finally look at him.

"...Sorry," he just caught as she lifted her head.

"I didn't catch any of that," Deeks stated calmly though his stomach felt like bricks were in it.

"Was I talking too quickly again? I do that when I'm in a hurry."

"I honestly don't know. I'm… You're Alice Quinn, right?"

"Yes, I am she."

"Good. I'm Marty Deeks?"

"Ah. Oh! Oh, okay! You're Hetty's friend. I'm sorry I didn't… Do we have a meeting that I forgot to write down?"

"No. No, we don't have a meeting. I was… I'm just trying to decide what I'm doing."

Blinking a few times the woman stared at him before an understanding smile came to her face. With a nod of her head she finished packing up her back. For a moment he tensed thinking that she was going to start talking again, but she didn't until she was looking at him.

"I remember that feeling," she offered nodding her head," I'm done in court today. Do you want to grab some food with me so we can talk? Maybe I can help?"

"That sounds good," he agreed with a chuckle, "If you're not busy that is."

"Are you kidding me? I haven't eaten at all today. You're saving me from starvation. There's a good pizza place down the street?"

"Lead the way."

Alice gave him a smile before starting out of the courtroom. As they walked Deeks sent out a little prayer that the woman wasn't talking. He didn't know just how much Hetty had told her. Though he doubted that his deafness hadn't been brought up. It was an important fact.

It did make him wonder why she hadn't brought it up. Most people that he met usually asked a few questions about it or at least stared at him before moving on. It always felt a bit like he was in the zoo as soon as people found out.

The walk didn't take all that long luckily and soon they were in line for their food. The nervousness that he had been feeling seemed to grow as they waited. No matter how many times he did it ordering food, or talking to people in general, made him feel uncomfortable now.

Licking his lips he took a step forward and tried to push all those thoughts away. He had only ever had a few problems since he lost his hearing. As long as he stayed calm everything usually turned out fine. And if not he could always go back to hiding under a rock for the rest of his life.

It wasn't until there were only a handful of people in line before him that he looked over at the lawyer. He felt himself stop when he saw that she was already looking at him. Cocking an eyebrow he stared at her trying to figure her out.

That was when he noticed that glazed over look. It was the same one that he saw on Isabelle half the time. She wasn't staring at him at all. She had gotten lost in her mind. It would have been amusing it he didn't feel so awkward. Maybe he should have had Hetty come to prevent that.

"Sorry," Alice offered with a small smile before she reached out and smacked herself on the head, "Oh I forgot!" she continued not just speaking but signing the words as well. "Hetty told me you were deaf. Would you rather sign or talk out loud?"

"Sign," Deeks replied glad to stop talking, "If you don't mind."

"Not at all. You'll have to excuse me if I mess up a little. I'm not the best at ASL. It's actually why I'm hoping you'll join my firm."

"I have two kids that had to learn sign while they were trying to learn how to speak. I know how to translate bad sign. Wait… What do you mean you want me for my sign?"

"What did Hetty tell you about me?"

"Nothing really. Why?"

"Let's order first. Then I'll explain the job offer."

Nodding his head Deeks turned to the cashier no longer thinking about the nerves that he was feeling. Instead he was thinking about the lawyer's words. It seemed that she had a plan already in her head.

That was not what he had been expecting. In his mind he thought that Hetty was calling in a favor to get him there. It wasn't a stretch for Hetty to not tell him everything though. In fact he should have expected it.

It wasn't long before they were sitting at a booth in the back waiting for their food. The awkwardness seemed to follow them and he was really starting to hate that. He was a people person. AT least he had been.

Taking a deep breath he focused on the woman in front of him. For the first time since he met her he let himself look over her. He never would have guessed that the woman had been part of the military. She acted nothing like the other military people he met.

"Let me explain a bit about myself," Alice signed with a slight smile though her eyes were serious, "I am a retired from the Marine Corps as a Sergeant. I spent twenty years serving my country and I loved every second of it. If I had my way I would still be there. That choice was taken away from me three years back when my convoy was attacked.

"I don't fully remember what happened the day and doctors say that I may never remember. All I know is that I lost some of my men and I lost my health. It wasn't until I was transported back to the states that I realized just how badly I was injured. I was on some damn good drugs. Still, it wasn't the most pleasant time of my life. Though I think you might understand that."

"You might be right there."

"In case you weer wondering, Hetty didn't tell me how you lost your hearing. Just that you did and that you would understand what my firms mission was."

"I'm not sure I understand what the mission was, but I was curious how much you knew about me. Especially since Hetty didn't tell me anything about you."

"You have to hate Hetty sometimes."

Cocking his head to the side Deeks couldn't help but smile. It felt like he was transported back to when he was first teaching his kids how to sign. Sometimes the little mistakes they made were just too funny.

"I don't think that's what you meant to say," he signed causing her to stop and stare at her hands.

"It wasn't?" Alice questioned looking back at him, "What did I say?"

"H A T E. You said you have t Hetty sometimes."

"Oh. Yeah, that was not what I mean. I always get those two confused. I meant you have to love Hetty sometimes. Sorry about that."

"It's okay. It's kind of like auto-correct. You get some pretty good laughs out of the mistakes."

"I imagine so. I've been taking sign for almost two years now. I'm pretty good, but sometimes I get confused."

"I know that feeling. It took me a lot longer than I like to admit to learn it myself. Though I probably would have gotten it sooner if I had actually tried."

"My doctor's told me that when I first got my prosthetic. I refused to learn for longest time. I didn't want to admit I needed it."

"You have a prosthetic?"

"My left leg. In the attack I was telling you about I was injured quite badly. I lost my left leg. The bone was so crushed that they weren't able to save it. I also banged my head up pretty nicely. To this day I still have bad days where I'm in such pain I can't leave my bed. Then there are of course the seizures. Those have luckily stopped for the most part, but I can't work in the field anymore. It's too much of a danger to myself and others."

Deeks stared at Alice as she explained her situation. He never would have been able to guess that she had a prosthetic leg. He could see why Hetty had thought that they would get along considering what they shared.

"And that lead you to law?" he asked as their food was placed in front of them.

"No," she shook her head, "Surprisingly enough I already had the law degree. No, the thing that made me want to use my degree was the trouble I had getting my leg. I knew that it wasn't going to be easy, but looking at the bill that I was getting, even with my insurance, I would never have gotten out of debt. If it wasn't for Hetty getting me the papers that I needed to work out the legal jargon myself I probably wouldn't have this leg at all. I started my own firm because of how I and military personnel and police officers are treated in hospitals and insurance companies."

"I've heard some horrors stories. Even had a few before I joined NCIS. The first time I took a knife to the arm. It wasn't more than ten stitches, but it was a lot of money that I didn't have. My insurance took care of most of it. That was actually one of the first questions that Hetty asked when I started to work for her. She changed my insurance company."

"Hetty takes good care of her people. She knows how to make people afraid of hurting what's hers. I'm not surprised that she changed it. Your old policy probably didn't cover what happened to you."

"Probably not. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a Hetty."

"No, they are not. They do have me though. I understand what they're going through. So do you."

"You think I can help them?"

"I know you can."

Alice looked so sure in that moment that Deeks couldn't help but shake his head. He understood where she was coming from and he wanted to help her, but he wasn't as blind as he used to be about his abilities.

As much as he wanted to join the fight and help the victims that were still being hurt he knew that he wasn't he best person for the job. Even if he was able to connect with the people on a personal level.

"Alice," he signed shaking his head, "We both know that I can't get in front of a jury. As soon as I look at a translator or ask someone to repeat their words they'll know I can't hear. No matter what I say or do after that all they're going to be able to think about is the fact that I can't hear. It doesn't matter how good I am in that room our case will fall apart as soon as they realize I'm deaf."

"You're wrong," Alice shot back instantly, "I don't know that that's what will happen. Look, Marty, I get how difficult this is. I've been where you are. I've refused to do things that I could do because I got stuck in my own mind."

"I'm not stuck in my own mind. I'm just not naive."

"I'm not naive. I know this will be hard for you, but don't tell me you can't do something because you're scared. You can not  _want_  to do something, but you  _can_  do it. And if you don't want to do it that's fine. You can be more of a background player and we'll get someone else to do the work in the courtroom.

"Look, I get where you're coming from. I do. You're finally starting to shake off the numb feeling right? You're starting to get angry now. At yourself. At your family and friends. At everything and everyone. It doesn't matter if you know them or not. It's their fault what happened to you."

"I was doing my job. I got hurt. No one to blame but the bastards that set off a bomb."

"Does that actually make you feel better? Rationalizing it like that?"

"Of course not. That also doesn't mean I wouldn't do it again."

"So would I. I lost a lot that night, but I've never regretted it. That doesn't change the fact that I lost. I lost my leg. I lost of career. I lost myself. I had my entire life taken from me. Just like you did. Just like my clients did. They don't have someone like Hetty. They don't have the chances we do."

Seeing the fire in the woman's eyes Deeks couldn't help but want to join her. She was right. He had been given a chance not many had. If it wasn't for Hetty and Callen he know that he wouldn't have made it a month without his hearing.

"I'm sorry," Alice offered after a moment, "I'm being pushy. I don't know you all that well, Marty. I don't even know if you like being called Marty, but you haven't stopped me so I'm going with it. I'm not trying to tell you what to do or not to do. I'm telling you that you survived and that you can help others survive as well."

"You really think I can help?" he replied staring at her.

"You understand them and what they're going through. That puts you ahead of the curve. Yes, Marty, I really do believe that you can help them."

"I need some time to think about this. I'm not sure I'm ready."

"That's fine. Take your time. I know that this is a big decision to make and you shouldn't rush. You know how to find me. Even if it is only to talk to someone who tomatoes."

Deeks couldn't stop himself from laughing out loud at that. He could feel the eyes of the other people in the restaurant looking at him, but he couldn't help himself as he stood up and placed some money on the table.

"You really need to take a few more classes on ASL," he stated with a smile.

"What do you mean?" Alice questioned looking between him and her hands.

"Talk to you later, Tomato."


	13. Laundry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There aren't going to be that many more chapters in this story. I think only two or three more. I hope you all have enjoyed it!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Dropping the laundry basket to the floor Callen stretched his hands above his head letting his back pop. He had been cleaning dirty clothes and bedding since he had gotten home and he was only halfway done. He couldn't believe how much laundry four people made.

That wasn't right. He couldn't believe how tired and sore he was from working around the house a little. It wasn't as if he was running around the city getting shot at. It was a little bit of laundry. He could handle it and the rest of the list he had to do.

At least he had thought that he could. He had plenty of time while the loads were going to work on something else. It wasn't a long list. Just some laundry, defrosting the freezer, mowing the lawn, cleaning the stove and oven, and vacuuming. Nothing difficult at all.

Yet after spending the last four hours cleaning he felt like he had done nothing at all. Yes, the yard was mowed, but he had had to take a shower so not to get anything dirty. Some of the laundry was cleaned as well, but none of it was put away.

Four hours and he pretty much had nothing done. It was only five things that he had to do. Just five little things and he had only done one and a half of them. Instead all he wanted to do was fall asleep and not move for the rest of the day.

With a shake of his head he picked up the basket and dumped them on his bed with the rest of the clean clothes. He'd fold them when everything else was done and he had the time to relax.

As much as he wanted to stop and take a break right then and there he wasn't going to let himself stop. Not until he had all of the list done. He had to do everything on the list. He couldn't let his family down again.

These were things that Deeks did all the time. Okay, so he didn't do laundry every day, at least not full loads, but they were normal part of keeping the house running. So was mowing, vacuuming, and cleaning the oven. Defrosting the freezer was more a once a year thing though.

Now that he thought about it the only thing that was actually a little difficult was defrosting the freezer. It's why they didn't do it often. It was a project that took… He had no idea how long it took actually.

The truth of the matter was he had only heard about it when Deeks said he was going to have a busy day. He didn't really know exactly how he was supposed to defrost it at all. It was the reason why he hadn't done it yet.

A disbelieving laugh fell from his lips when he realized that his husband had gone easy on him. They were the things that Isabelle said she and Wesley did when Deeks gave them chores to do.

He did so little at the house that Deeks had given him tasks he'd give their kids. The younger man believed that he wouldn't be able to handle anything tougher. That should have made him upset, but the man was right. He was in over his head.

All he wanted to do was fix the mistakes he made. To be a parent instead of a man that showed up every once in awhile to sleep and shower before leaving again. He was a stranger in his own home.

Isabelle had been right in a way. She had just been wrong talking to the wrong parent. She only had one parent and it wasn't him. Deeks was the one that took care of them. Deeks was the one that was there. Deeks was their parent.

When it came down to it all he did at that point was give them money. He didn't have a real place in the family that he had built anymore. Him not being there was so much a norm that when he was there it was as if it was a celebration. He had no idea when that happened.

When he and Deeks had decided that they were going to have kids he had been beyond happy. That was the thing that he had dreamed of having all of his life. That was what he had been searching for all of his life. Then they got pregnant.

Everything changed that day. Most of all what he had thought he knew about the world. For the first time in his life he felt at peace. It was as if he didn't have anything to search for anymore.

Somewhere along the way he had lost that view. He had forgotten what mattered to him and went back to his lone wolf ways. He had pushed all thoughts of his family away when he was at work so his mind was clear. It seemed that that ended up translating to his free time too.

When he let himself have free time that was. Which wasn't often. He still spent most of his nights at work. Hetty ended up waking him up when he crashed on the couch or at his desk after a long night.

He finally had a reason to leave work early and to go home at lunch when he had the chance. Yet he didn't. Since Isabelle turned two he could count on one hand how often left early. He didn't want to think of how many times since they brought Wesley home.

Now that he was thinking about it he realized just how little he was with his family. He so rarely spent time with them that he couldn't remember the last time that he had kissed his husband.

Just a simple kiss. Something that he used to do every day before they got in their cars to go to work. A little reminder that they both had something to live for. They had a reason to come home and survive whatever it was that they would face when they went to work.

He used to feel that his day didn't start until they had shared a kiss. That one little kiss had gotten him through things he knew he wouldn't have survived otherwise. He felt like he could do anything when he thought about that kiss.

Running a hand over his face Callen dropped onto the bed and stared at the wall wanting to bash his head into it. Everything that had happened between him and Deeks ran through his mind as he sat there.

It used to be that he could reach out and touch the younger man whenever he wanted to. He didn't have to hesitate or second guess himself. He didn't even think about it. Now… All he did was walk away.

Scratching his nails over his head he blinked back tears. He couldn't believe what he had done. He couldn't believe that he had let them fall apart without even realizing it. Hell, he had been the reason they broke.

His mind began to race going over everything that had been happening between them over the years. He was so lost in thought he missed someone kneeling in front of him until a hand rested on his knee.

Jerking his head up he saw Deeks staring at him worriedly. Before the younger man had the chance to lift his hands to sign Callen was wrapping his arms around him tightly needing to feel the man that he loved more than any time before.

"Hey," Deeks soothed his voice rumbling low in his ear as he held him closely, "It's okay, G. You're okay. I got you."

Hearing the man attempt to comfort him even though he had no idea what was going on Callen felt himself break. The tears that he had had been forcing back spilled over as he buried his face in the younger man's chest and sobbed.

He had always known that Deeks was too good for him. Since the day that he asked him out he had known that he was out of his league. If he was truthful he doubted that there was anyone that deserved Deeks.

When he had finally decided that he wanted to ask the younger man to marry him he had made a promise that he was never going to let the man down. That he was there for life and nothing was going to change that.

Now that he looked back on everything that he had done over the last few years… He was surprised that Deeks hadn't left him altogether. If it wasn't for Isabelle and Wesley than maybe that would be different.

"I'm sorry," Callen muttered though the man couldn't hear him, "I'm so sorry."

The two of them sat there for a moment as Callen tried to get himself back under control. He wasn't the type of person that broke down like that. Although lately he was proving to himself that he did a lot of things he didn't expect.

It wasn't long after that that he pulled himself away and looked into his husband's eyes. He hated the concern that he saw in the ocean blue gaze. It was more than he deserved. All of it was more than he had ever deserved and he had thrown it all out the door.

"I'm sorry," Callen signed staring at the man.

"For what?" Deeks questioned his head cocking to the side.

"Everything."

"What? I don't… What are you talking about?"

"I realized something."

"What did you realize?"

"That I'm a good agent. I'm a very good agent, but I'm a horrible husband and a shitty father."

"What? Callen, you're not..."

"Yes, Marty. Yes, I am. Ever since Isabelle was born I have been pulling away from you and from them. It's only gotten worse. I should have been there for you. I should have been there for them. I wasn't, was I? No, I was at work."

"Your work is important."

"Not more important than my family. Nothing should be more important than my family. I left you to do this alone. I abandoned you. I abandoned my family."

"G."

"You can't tell me that that's not what happened."

"Stop it, G."

"Tell me!"

"I can't! Okay? I can't tell you that you didn't abandon us. I can say that that was the last thing that you wanted though. That if you had realized what you were doing you would have stopped."

"But I didn't realize it."

"No, you didn't. Just like I didn't realize that I froze. That I just stopped being myself since I lost my hearing. We both messed up here. Okay? We messed up. It's not just on you, G. It's on us both and we have to remember that. We have to remember that if we want to fix us."

"How can you forgive me for leaving you to do this alone?"

A smile came to Deeks lips as he moved to sit next to him on the bed. His hand came up to cup the side of his face so he could direct it to him. Leaning forward Deeks pressed a gentle kiss to his lips causing a shiver to run up Callen's spine.

It had been so long since either of them did that, but, just like before, it made him feel as if there was nothing that he couldn't do. Sighing in content he curled a hand through the blond locks and broke the kiss.

"I love you," Deeks muttered against his lips.

Smiling he pulled him forward letting their lips met once more. They sat there sharing lazy kisses for a moment before Callen finally pulled away. It felt so much like they used to be that he knew he couldn't let it escape him again.

"I think I'm going to retire," Callen signed pulling away from him fully.

"What?" Deeks asked staring at him at his was crazy, "You love being an agent."

"I know and I always will. I thought that the only way I would stop was with a bullet. I don't feel that way anymore. I'm getting tired and achy. I'm starting to feel my job now. I'm not as young as I used to be. That and I want to be here. With you and the kids. Being a parent and a husband. Before it's too late."

"Too late? Is something going on I don't know?"

"No, nothing like that. You know what this job is like. With how dangerous the job is and how often I disappear and how long I disappear… Too late is a very real possibility."

"I know you're right, but to give it all up? To just stop being an agent? That doesn't seem like something you could actually do."

"I want to be with my family. I want to  _be_  a family. You don't think I could do that?"

"We are a family, Callen. I'm not saying..."

"You three are. You're a family. I just give you money. I pop in twice a month to take a shower and sleep before stealing your food and leaving again."

"Do you really think so little of your place in this family?"

"How can I have a place in this family? I'm never here!"

Running a hand over his face Callen stood up and took a few steps away. His heart felt like it was pounding in his chest as his attempted to take a deep breath. It took all of his will not to turn and look at his husband again.

He couldn't stand having the younger man look at him with such love and caring. Not when he had done some many things that should have had Deeks turning away from him and never talking to him again.

"G. Please," Deeks whispered from his position of the bed, "Don't do this to yourself."

"I can't help it," Callen shook his head before turning around and lifting his hand to repeat in sign, "I can't help feeling like I shouldn't be here."

"Of course you should be here. This is your home."

"Not after what I've done. I dreamed of having a family for so long, Marty. I wanted to be able to give them everything that I never had. I wanted to be able to wake up every day and know that I have a place where I belong. I dreamed of putting my children to bed every night and waking up in the arms of the person I loved every morning. When was the last time that happened?"

"I don't know."

"Neither do I and I hate myself for that. I can't keep doing this. To you and the kids or to myself. It's killing me."

"But retiring fully? You can't just stop like that. Take it from me you'll drive yourself insane if you just stop without a transition period."

"What do you suggest then?"

"Talk to Hetty? Maybe you can keep working there without working in the field? You'd be able to come home at night and still be able to be an agent. It's the best of both worlds."

"And what about you? What are you going to do?"

"I think I decided to go back to law. Start my life again."

"Yeah? You go back to law and I step down as a field agent. Are you sure this is what you want to do?"

"Are you?"

"I miss you, Sunshine. I want to be with you and Isabelle and Wesley. I want to be a family."

"I miss you too, G. More than you know."

"I might have a few ideas. Okay. We have a plan now. I'll talk to Hetty in the morning and see what she thinks."

"Good. Now, help me put these clothes away before they get wrinkled."


	14. Fancy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's over! This part of the Deeks/Callen universe is over!! I hope you have enjoyed it while it lasted!!!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Sighing in frustration Deeks undid his last tie and threw it behind him not caring where it landed. Ever since he got off the phone with Alice he had been looking for things he could wear to the office. So far he had… Yeah, he had absolutely nothing.

All the clothes that he used to wear on stings had been thrown into a few boxes and donated. He didn't want to look at them whenever he got dressed. He didn't want to think about the fact that he was never going to be those people again.

It wasn't until now though that he realized just how little clothes he had. Almost everything had been used in a sting at one point in time. Even the ill-fitting suits that had gotten him into more than a few strip clubs.

Not that he actually missed any of those. For the most part he hated a lot of the clothes that he wore undercover. Not just because they weren't him, but because of who he turned into while wearing them.

For the most part the only thing he missed was the suits that got stored either with LAPD or NCIS. All the good suits that made him look like he had money and he loved to spend it. He really did miss those ones.

That was one of the things that he had learned early on. Clothes really did make the man. If he was wearing a nice suit than he felt like he was a rich snob. If he was wearing a plain shirt and jeans than he was apparently a dad.

Staring at his clothes he couldn't believe that he had let his closet get the way it was. It wasn't as if he was a shopper really, but to only have jeans and shirts was not who he thought he was. He just had no reason to wear anything else. That had changed.

He couldn't believe that he had actually said yes to her offer. When he told her that he needed time to think he had meant that. He wanted to spend some time and figure out if going back to law was what he truly wanted to do.

It was a big decision to make. One that wasn't going to just affect him. Everything was going to change for Callen and for the kids as well. The last thing that he could do was decide without giving himself some time.

Yet, that was exactly what he had done. When he was talking to his husband about what their future held the words had come out of his mouth without him really stopping thinking any of this through.

A part of him was still waiting to feel like he should take them back, but he didn't want to. As fearful as he was he couldn't bring himself to regret what he had said. He wanted to be a lawyer again. More than he had thought before.

It felt odd to be so sure of something he was absolutely terrified of. He knew that he had been a good lawyer. He had spent years studying and he cared about the people that he defended. Add the fact that he was good at arguing and he was golden.

Part of that that been taken away when he lost his hearing. Yes, he could still argue, but only if someone could translate ASL. Other people just stared at him like he was insane or, worse, with such pity. He hated pity.

Alice had come up with an idea that he thought was pretty good though. He was going to be more behind the scenes than in front of the crowd. He would work the cases and set up everything and one of the other lawyers would stand up and speak.

It hadn't been his first choice and, honestly, he hated that he couldn't be the one in front of the jury. That was just his ego talking. He was still going to be doing what he had wanted to do and that was all that mattered.

Truthfully, he was excited to met the team that he was going to be in charge of. A group of just out of college lawyers that wanted to help make the world a better place. He could remember when he had been just like them.

He had missed it. Being around other lawyers. Bouncing ideas off of them. Doing work that could help change a person's world and maybe the entire world one day. That was what he had always wanted to do. He was going to do that again and he couldn't wait. If he found something to wear.

Sighing he turned towards his bed ready to go through the clothes again only to jump when he saw two faces staring at him. Shaking his head he looked down at Isabelle and Wesley waiting for one of them to explain what they were doing there.

Just as Isabelle lifted her hands to start signing though Wesley scrambled onto the bed and grabbed one of the discarded ties. He quickly wrapped one of them around his own neck before grinning happily at his Daddy.

"What are you doing there, kiddo?" Deeks questioned trying to keep himself from laughing out the boys antics.

"I'm fancy!" Wesley said his sage eyes glittering happily.

"You're fancy? Shall I start calling you Lord Wesley?"

"Lord Wesley? I like it!"

"Than from hence forth you shall be known as Lord Wesley and Lady Isabelle."

Sending a wink over to his daughter he watched as she preened slightly. It seemed like she enjoyed the idea as well. It had been awhile since they had played make believe with each other. He missed it.

Shaking the nostalgia away Deeks lifted the little boy off the bed and placed him on the floor so he was facing the mirror. Kneeling down he undid the knot Wesley had made and started to slowly do the tie correctly.

In the mirror his son look so transfixed. It was as if he was showing him all the answers to the world. He loved the warmth that filled him at that look. There was something about it that was just pure and happy.

When he was done he placed a kiss to Wesley's cheek before the little boy took off running out of the room. Turning to Isabelle he saw the girl laughing letting him know that his son had probably yelled something before he left.

Placing his hands on his knees he stood up before moving to sit on the edge of the bed and patting the spot next to him. She smiled happily as she took a seat and cuddled into his chest her small arms wrapping around his waist.

For a moment the two of them simply sat there hold each other. It didn't matter what else was going on in the world. All he could focus on was the peace he felt. At least until Callen and Wesley walked back into the room.

The little boy grabbed him by the hand his mouth moving a mile a minute as he tried to pull him up so he was standing. With a shake of his head he did what his son waiting to find out what was going on.

The only explanation he got was a new tie shoved in his hand. Looking into his husband's eyes he took a step forward so they were almost pressed together and began to tie the tie around his neck so he matched his son.

"Having fun?" Callen mouthed while he worked.

"Of course," Deeks responded keeping his voice low so the kids couldn't hear them, "Aren't you?"

"Considering all of your clothes are on the bed instead of hanging up? I kind of feel like I shouldn't have done any of the laundry yesterday."

"Welcome to parenthood. Relax. Unlike your children I'll put them away once I'm done."

"Why did you just specify them as my children?"

Instead of answering Deeks pulled away and scooped up Wesley in his arms. He watched as the little boy rested a hand on the tie around his Papa's neck and then on his own a breathtaking smile coming to his lips.

"Do I look fancy now, Wes?" Callen signed as well as said out loud.

Deeks watched as his son nodded his head quickly his mouth once again moving though he had no idea what the boy was saying. He was really going to have to get the boy to start signing when he was around.

Shifting around he handed his son to Callen before going back to the bed and sitting down. Before he could say anything Isabelle was turning around so they were facing each other a serious look in her eyes.

"What's with the clothes, Daddy?" she questioned her eyes looking around the room.

"Do you remember me telling you that I was thinking about going back to law?" Deeks responded with a smile.

"Yeah. Wait. Did you get a job? Are you a lawyer again?"

"I am."

A wide grin broke across her face as she practically threw her arms around his shoulders hugging him tightly. He couldn't help but laugh happily as he held her closely his face buried in her hair.

This was the part that he had actually been worried about. As much as she had encouraged him to take the job he hadn't been sure what she was going to feel when the time actually came. It was possible that she would hate the idea.

Oddly enough he hadn't been worried about Wesley at all. The little boy loved to cuddle and could talk up a storm when he was excited, but he was actually fairly independent as long as he knew that you were around.

Which was something that he had talked to Alice about. She understood that he was a parent first. If his kids needed him than that was where he was going to be. She had agreed and even let him know that he could do work from home if he needed to.

All of that lead him to Callen. The older man had spent most of the morning talking to Hetty about what he wanted to do. He had pointed out that if there was nothing she could do he was just going to turn his badge in and leave.

That was the last thing that he wanted. Deeks knew what it was like to have your whole life turned upside down in a day. To have everything that you did suddenly not be there was not something he'd wish on his enemy let alone his husband.

If Callen did have to retire completely than he knew he should be a little afraid for the man's sanity. That was not something that he wanted to have to do when they had two kids they were supposed to be taking care of.

Feeling a tap on his back he pulled away from his daughter and saw Callen looking down at him. The sky blue eyes looked so calm as he leaned down to press a kiss to their daughter's forehead before pressing one to his lips.

"Hello," Callen muttered against his lips before pulling back.

"Hello," Deeks signed looking around the room, "Where's Wes?"

"Talking with Auntie Nell. He had to tell her that he's fancy Lord Wesley now."

"She's going to want pictures."

"She's got it. First I need to talk to you both."

Looking at Isabelle he saw her climb off the bed her eyes darting between them. She looked so confused and just a little scared. Almost as if she had been waiting for them to talk to her. He couldn't help but wonder what she had broken.

"What's going on?" she signed staring at them.

"Daddy told you his news?" Callen questioned a smile on his lips.

"Yeah. Isn't it great? He's going to be a fancy lawyer."

"Is fancy the word of the day?" Deeks asked his eyes darting between them.

"It is now. I have some news of my own."

Deeks hated how worried she looked at that moment. She really was expecting the worse. Which wasn't all the surprising considering what her Papa's job was. That didn't make him hate it any less.

"Don't look like that, Sweetheart," Callen reassured a smile on his lips, "This is a good thing. I talk to Aunt Hetty and told her that I wanted to spend more time at home. That I wanted to stop working in the field."

"You do?" Isabelle asked biting her lips as hope filled her eyes.

"More than anything. I know I haven't been around a lot. I'm sorry for that, Izzy. I should have been here for you and your brother and your Daddy. I can never explain how sorry I am."

"You have an important job. You keep the world safe."

"Well, now I help train new agents so they can keep the world safe."

"Will you have to go away for awhile like normal?"

"Nope. That's over. The only time that will happen is when it's really truly important and everyone is on deck. Other than that I might have to make trips to other branches of NCIS, but I'll be able to call you every day. No more going dark."

If Deeks thought that she looked happy before the grin that was on her lips was beyond anything he had ever seen. Smiling he watched his husband hold their daughter to his chest as if she was the most precious thing on the planet.

He couldn't help shaking his head as Callen lifted her into his arms and started to spin. Smiling happily Deeks watched his daughter and husband interact feeling his heart fill with happiness at the sight of them.

"Hetty liked the idea?" Deeks asked out loud grabbing their attention.

"She did," Callen signed after putting Isabelle down a sheepish look in his eyes.

"She had the paperwork filled out, didn't she?"

"It was dated six years ago."

"God, I love that woman."

"You're about to love her more."

"Why?"

A cheeky grin came to the man's face as he turned around and left the room. Feeling more than a little curious Deeks and Isabelle left the bedroom and started downstairs only to freeze when they got into the living room.

It looked as if someone had opened a tailor shop in the room. Suits and shoes and coats were everywhere. As were Nell and Wesley. Who had decided that the tie needed to be worn with a sports coat and loafers.

"Hey, Deeks," Nell signed before holding her hands up, "Or should I say good day, Lord Deeks."

"What is all of this?" he questioned looking around the room.

"Hetty said you got a new job that might call for suits. She sent me with everything that's out of style."

"Wow"

"Yeah. There would be more, but I kept some things there. And since you two are down here now I'll be off. Lady Isabelle. Lord Wesley. Adieu."

Watching as the woman turned around and walked out of the house Deeks made his way further into the room his hand brushing over the fabric. He couldn't believe that he went from no suits to what looked like thousands of dollars in them.

"Does she really think we believe that these are out of style?" he signed turning to his husband.

"It's Hetty," Callen shrugged.

"Right. So that's solved. Wait… Does this mean… Do we know what we're doing now? Have we got this adult thing figured out."

"I think so."

"Yeah. You know what we have to do now right?"

"Spoil the idea that we have the parent thing figured out?"

"Just what I was thinking."

"Junk food for dinner?"

"And a movie marathon?"

"I got the pizza."

"I'll set up the living room. Come on, Isabelle, Wesley, help me get these put away so we can have a party."


End file.
